Jim Farley, Ford’s Group Vice President of Marketing and Communications claims to be the cousin of the late Chris Farley, but this half baked conspiracy doesn’t fly with me. With an indelible comedic legacy secured, it’s quite obvious Chris Farley faked his own death in 1997, and for some reason quietly set out to climb the ranks of the auto industry, disguised only by a corporate power-mullet, significant weight loss and a slightly different first name.
“Chris and I were very different people, but one thing is we both really believed in what we were doing,” Mr. Farley said. “We’re very passionate and very creative.” (1)
Like a fox! Once the heat died down, Jim (Chris) Farley eventually surfaced at Toyota, where he made his mark orchestrating the launch and rollout of Scion, a success that earned him a promotion to Vice President of the new nameplate.
You can see the giddy madness welling in Farley’s eyes during interviews with the press from this time period - the look of a man who’s created his own reality, another live stage to prance upon, a façade utterly contingent on his darkest secret.
Scion? What twisted humor he must have suppressed while fielding questions from auto journalists, what devious tune must have been playing in his head the whole while?
“Mr. Farley, why a brand like Scion from Toyota? Why now?”
“Well, Scion represents Toyota’s youthful push towards (Fat guy in a little carrrr, AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!) expanding the quality of our product line into emerging markets.”
With the entire auto world duped into thinking he was his own cousin and a successful sham-life well underway, Chris Farley might have eventually died an actual death without ever revealing his true identity. That is of course if I had never confronted him with this foolproof lie detector test:
-Which river in Detroit best complements a panel van?
-How many tables have you fallen through this month?
-Word Association: Speed (If answer is ball, ask if he knows where to score one).
-Is Alan Mulally getting my emails?
Sadly, even with the infallible proof the answers to these questions will provide, the general public will likely still be more happy to munch on the flub that Chris Farley is dead and Jim Farley is merely related to him than face the truth. Just take a look at this willfully oblivious quote from a New York Times article detailing Farley’s transition from Toyota to Ford:
“All intensity aside, Mr. Farley sometimes seems like a kid in a candy store at Ford… “In those moments, his resemblance to his late cousin, the comedian Chris Farley, emerges in the twinkle in his eye.”
Fools!! He mocks you with that twinkle and every word that slithers from his mouth! Half the time he doesn’t even bother to conceal his Farley-isms:
“Do you know how happy it makes me to see a Ford engineer talking to Ford dealers about soybean foam so they can tell their customers who are farmers?” Mr. Farley said. “I mean, how freaking cool is that?”(1)
Soybean farmers? Freaking cool? Your act’s worn thinner than the crotch of Matt Foley’s business slacks, Chris. Soon I will be the one to pluck loose the first thread and spill your disgusting secrets out upon the public’s face. Enjoy your days at Ford, “Jim” Farley.
This blogger is on to you.