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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883


What’s your sign? Oh, do you drive a Volkswagen? (Part 1/4)

Zodiac signs are a lot like the PT Cruiser; neither makes much sense, but each remains defiantly popular nonetheless. To discover why, let’s jump down the non-sequitur rabbit hole and fashion an astrological link between the cars people drive and their lives in the stars. 

(March 21-April 19)


Aries are adventurous and will travel the world to avoid being held down by any kind of possessive relationship, such as with a driveway or mailbox. 

The Winnebago is the perfect vehicle for an Aries, albeit a dangerous one: Children at heart, Aries’ sense of wonderment are confounded by being one of the most naïve signs. Often tormented by a confliction of strong masculine and feminine traits, they’re prone to wander trustingly into the lion’s den. It isn’t unusual to see a Winnebago barreling towards the front gates of the Neverland Ranch like a fly to an unplugged light trap; with an Aries behind the wheel, family vacations are likely to take a few wrong turns. 

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

-Pontiac Aztek 

Capricorns bear the ancient emblem of the sea-goat -- a half goat, half fish, 100% fugly crossover, just like their vehicle of choice. Like a fish, the Aztek flopped hard. Like a goat, it was sacrificed in 2005, several years ahead of the entire Pontiac nameplate. 

This isn’t to say that all Capricorns are ugly, but they do tend to have a false sense of pride that can make it next to impossible for them to admit when they’re wrong, especially while car shopping. During these cantankerous states, the mystic power of the stars outfits the Capricorn’s eyes with car goggles, or the equivalent of being nine Schlitz's deep. Through the sudsy lenses the Aztek appears far more appealing than a four-thousand-pound goatfish at the end of the bar normally would. 

Tipping the scales to a regrettable purchase, Capricorns have the strongest and most sympathetic pair of shoulders in the zodiac (the goat half). Don’t tell them their Aztek is ugly; it’s in their circle and needs just as much lovin' as a hot little Solstice.

(April 20-May 20)

-1996 Buick Roadmaster Station Wagon 

Taureans keep their true selves hidden from others behind day-to-day rituals until they’re ready to open up and let their true colors shine. Often they shine brighter than most people would ever expect. In turn, Taurus’ are often mistaken for being snobby and even depressed, as might the driver of a ’96 Roadmaster Station Wagon. 

For those who don’t know this wagon personally, it may appear to be nothing more than a gutless, wood-paneled yield-mobile best suited to haul the kids back and forth from school. 

Au contraire. When a Taurean dad drops the hammer on this sleeper rocket-wagon, juice boxes hit the rear window. Despite the reserved appearance, ’96 Roadmasters are 2-ton bulls equipped with Corvette V-8 engines and seating for half the soccer team. Some would argue Erick Forman was but a confused young Taurean seduced by a Vista Cruiser. 

*That’s all for this spacy installment. If it's in the stars (ratings), we’ll make our way through all 12 signs of the Zodiac and assign a car to each. 




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