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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883


What’s your sign? Oh, do you drive a Volkswagen? (Part 3/4)

Aha! There you are. Bored by those other zodiac weirdos, you’ve stumbled back into my cosmic grip in search of automotive parallels lassoed down from the heavens by an Ethernet cord. Part three awaits, if you can handle the squeeze. 

(November 22-December 21) 

El Camino

Coursing with the wisdom of Jupiter, Sagittarians are spiritually geared to concoct their own unique philosophies on life, but can be completely tactless in their pursuit of enlightenment. In the stars their conflict is represented by the Centaur, a half-human, half-beast. 

On Earth, they're best suited to another ancient cross over: the El Camino. Although officially dubbed a truck in North America by Chevrolet, all five generations of the thing were arguably just a series of Chevy cars with truck beds where the back seat would normally go. 

Obnoxiously tacky? To the general public perhaps. 

To a Sagittarius, the El Camino is an expression of self-identity that flies in the face of rigid boundaries and traditional beauty, like a Marlboro Red burning beneath a patchy mustache, drenched in neon bar light. When a Sagittarius sets eyes on a partner who understands their appreciation of such things, they’re known for being one of the Zodiac’s most loving, fun and generous signs. The El Camino completes them. 

(May 21-June 20)

1982 Delorean DMC-12

Gemini’s deal cocaine out of their Deloreans. Ever since John Delorean was found not guilty of trafficking the drug due to entrapment in 1984, the heat died down and the DMC-12 became better known for transporting Michael J. Fox back to the fifties than blow to members-only clubs. Consequently it became the no-brainer guise for the average Gemini of the day. Just look at the clues to their drug dealing characteristics from

“In ancient Greek mythology, Gemini's ruler - Mercury, was the light-footed messenger of the gods who darted back and forth across the heavens delivering news…”

(He’s the one they called Dr. Feel Good)

“Many Geminis are involved in international financial wheeling and dealing.”


“In Astrology, Gemini’s have also gained the reputation of being the incessant talkers of the zodiac.”

(“So I settled on the blue seat covers instead of the beige ones which is weird because my dog has beige hair but his name is Blue and he loves this car, geech!) 

See the pattern? Fortunately for white-collar school zones, Delorean went under in 1982 with less than 10,000 DMC-12’s ever being produced and in1986 President Ronald Reagan budgeted $1.7Billion to fund the war on drugs. Little did Mr. Trickle know the ride was already over for the Gemini. 

(February 19-March 20)

Oh Pisces, where has your car gone? On a good day your sign is known to be psychic, visionary, a philosopher and trendsetter of fashion and art. But on days such as this when you fail to take care of yourself it becomes crushingly obvious that you are the zodiac’s most sensitive and oftentimes confused sign. 

What is this great chasm of echoes and dark corners? Who are these strange entities with their honking horns and angry voices? In the murky depths of an obsessive and disoriented state you wander a parking garage in search of your car. 

Maybe you drive a late-model Toyota, maybe not. It’s been six hours since the movie ended. You’re wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes. When it grows cold you lay beneath an old Buick to bask in the warmth of its oil drip before the engine cools and the seals shore up. You slip into a dream and enter into a vision: the number of your parking stall is G-

The Buick is running you over. You deduce the Buick is most likely not your car. Not to worry. Despite their vulnerabilities Pisceans are incredibly resilient. Is that your bus pass stuck to the LeSabre’s tire? 


*We have but one installment of truth left to be written here before our astrological bank account reaches dollar status. Come again; the Zodiac cannot lie. 



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