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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883


Beater Diaries: Rachael’s 1991 Chevrolet Beretta


Not everyone has the means or even the desire to buy a “nice” car. The Beater diaries are a salute to those who undercut mainstream automotive society with every turn of their balding tires. We begin today with Rachael, a salty vixen and close personal friend of mine. 

Name: Rachael
Car: 1991 Chevrolet Beretta 
*R=Rachael, B=Brandon

The interview: 

B: You like to wear black. Your car is not black. What’s the deal with that?

R. It was kind of a purchase out of convenience. I bought it from my stepbrother’s grandmother.

B. How much did you pay for it?

R. A grand. 

B. Nice. Would you say this car compliments you?

R. No not really. 

B. Hence the matter of convenience?

R. Yeah, it gets me where I need to go. 

B. Speaking of which, if you could run down one celebrity in your car, who would it be and why? 

R. I think I would run down the entire cast of the Jersey Shore. Have you seen that show? It’s ridiculous.

B. Do you think you could run them all down in one pass?

R. I don’t know, it would depend on how I lined them up. I might go for the domino effect, then there would be a big pile of Guido.

B. Do you consider your car a beater?

R. Yeah, ya know, sort of. I mean it runs well, but yeah, it’s pretty s****y. Like.. Ya know. 

B. Yeah. Well, what do you think qualifies it as being a… piece of s***?

R. I…. don’t suggest other people riding in it. Pretty much if we have friends coming with us or whatever I’m like ‘we should take somebody else’s car.’ 

B. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in your car? 

R. Mmmm I don’t know about that… I pretty much do the same thing all the time, I’m pretty sure you know what that is. 

B. We can just leave it at that. 

R. Yeah. 

B. In comparison to your car, would you say my 1991 Dodge Dynasty turns you on?

R. Yeah dude, you have a sexy car. 

B. Thank you. What would you say is the finest thing about my Dynasty?

R. I like the seats. It’s comfy. 

B. I get that a lot actually. Let’s do some word associations: 1991 Dodge Dynasty. 

R. Pimp. 


The test drive:

(The following audio was recording via my handheld audio device whilst driving the Beretta around a lower middle class neighborhood at dusk)

B: Okay so first thing I notice is the muffler’s not working.. very well. I’m driving mostly with my fingertips because the steering wheel is sticky. It smells heavily of mold. The inside of my nose is really prickly and feeling odd. It’s hard to breath. Umm… I feel gross.. and, I’m turning around in a dead end. I’m thinking that I probably look like I’m trying to.. (45 second pause in vocal commentary while a Chrysler 400C with big rims boxes me in then slowly backs into a driveway, allowing me to exit). 

B. Is this thing still working? Okay, so it’s surprisingly zippy. Getting back on the main strip now. Words to describe this car would be moldy. I’m really starting to feel like I want to smoke some crack. 

After the test drive my mouth carried the taste of mold for close to half an hour. Still, overall I’d say the only immediate work Rachael’s Beretta needs is a thorough interior cleaning and some new weather stripping. With only 97,000 miles on the odometer it would be well worth the TLC. 

*The Beretta in the picture is not Rachael’s. I forgot my camera. This wont happen again on the next entry, although the owners may still prefer to remain anonymous for reasons unrelated to the nature of their vehicles.  


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