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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883


Beater Diaries: Brandon’s 1991 Dodge Dynasty


This week’s entry into the Beater Diaries reveals a secret I’ve been hiding for quite some time now, mainly because I interviewed myself. Buckle up then MotorSpacians; stuff’s about to get weird. 

NAME: Brandon
CAR: 1991 Dodge Dynasty (White)
*B=Brandon, B2= Brandon the Blogger 

PART 1: The Interview

B2: Welcome to the Beater Diaries. 

B: Thanks. It’s great to be here, Brandon.

B2: I hear you have some big news for us regarding the Dynasty? 

B: Perhaps… but why don’t you butter the biscuit first. 

B2: You look like you work out. 

B: Mmmm, that’s good. I’m selling the Dynasty on MotorSpaceNW to the highest bidder. 

B2: …Are you high?

B: No, I paid too much for a used car and need juicy blogging material to make up for it. 

B2: This is a lot for me to take in. 

B: That’s what she said.

B2: You’re an ass. 

B: Well. 

B2: What’s this new car you bought? Is it a beater?

B: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, for now I’ve prepared a sales pitch for the Dynasty I’d like included here.

PART 2: The Sales Pitch

To the loyal readers of MotorSpaceNW who have come to know and love my 1991 Dodge Dynasty, I have horribly titillating news: I’m selling it, to you, via comment board auction. 

That's right, the Dynasty could be yours for a grand with bidding starting at $900. That’s several hundred dollars below the Kelly Blue Book private party value – a swingin’ deal considering:

Pros of the Dynasty

1. A backseat that’s made for lovin’ 

Late night trysts take on an added element of danger when conducted in strange contortions atop the Dynasty’s spacious rear bench. The color purple, the velvety upholstery, the giddy paranoia of not knowing what lies beyond the fogged windows, it’s a slice Americana sprinkled with regret*.

*For a $50 cleaning fee I’ll thoroughly Febreeze the driver’s side of the rear bench (The passenger side went largely unused due to a high school football injury affecting my left knee). 

2. Clever names you can refer to the Dynasty as:

-The Dyno
-Gramps McDrug Dealer
-The Dynoceros
-Black Andy 

3. Instant chameleon image.

Maybe you sell drugs; maybe you’re a reputable old man. Either or both ways you’ll be able to move to a poverty-stricken area without drawing stares in the liquor store parking lot. The Dynasty proclaims “You lookin’ for somethin’?” as loud as it does “My only vice is penny candy.” 


1. You’ll break my heart

I love this car. Having to sell it is like putting ‘ol Yeller down. Being paid for it makes it worse, not better. If watching a young man cry into a small handful of currency makes you uncomfortable, direct your used car search to Craigslist where the money launderers and erotic masseuses will gladly meet your callousness with more of the same. I’ll bid you good day. 

2. Gas mileage? No. 

In the eyes of the United States government the Dynasty is a “Clunker.” With roughly 17mpg combined and little horsepower to speak of, when you’re not making passionate love on the rear bench, driving about in such an inefficient automobile can feel wasteful at times. On the plus side, with the number of visits you’ll pay to your local gas station it’s easy to become a “regular” and score discounts on your coffee and prophylactics. 

3. It runs just fine, except…

Sometimes when it’s running warm in stop and go traffic, if you come to a stop too abruptly the oil pressure gauge will drop down to nothing and the whole car begins to shudder. I don’t know why and don’t care to find out. Instead I’ve learned how to drive it with a gentle elegance that avoids the problem entirely. Ask and I’ll teach you the special touch, free of charge. 

The Specs:

*1991 Dodge Dynasty
*135K miles
*Power everything
*Cruise Control
*Cold AC
*New tires
*New muffler
*New sparkplugs
*New windshield wipers
*Runs strong and reliable 
*Internet famous 

Anyone who’s seriously interested in purchasing the Dynasty should leave his or her bid in the comments section below. Cash only.

But Wait! 

The winning bidder will also score an exclusive interview with the Beater Diaries, free of charge… 

Let the bidding begin!


B2: ………No one is going to buy your nasty car here. 

B: Probably not, but I still get paid to blog about it.

B2: Is that ethical?

B: It should be. 

(The car pictured is not my Dynasty, mine looks even better)


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