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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883


Beater Diaries: Brian’s 1993 Geo Metro (2)

When Brian returned from a dirty romp in central Washington to exchange a 1996 Buick Regal for his own 1993 Geo Metro, he smelt of cigarettes and deceit. Little did he know the Beater Diaries had prepared a series of probing investigative questions regarding the Geo itself and why exactly it was parked directly in front of my mail box for two days during his absence. No punches were pulled. Secrets were revealed, and quite intentionally, no peace was made. 


B: Hello Sir.

B2: Hello.

B: And who might you be?

B2: I’m Brian.

B: As in Steve’s brother, as in, Steve my roommate, who’s locked in a heated battle with me over who owns the superior K-Car?

B2: Yes.

B: I thought I smelled (EXPLETIVE). Answer me this: What kind of guy drives a.. What 
year is it? 

B2: A ’93.

B: A 1993 Geo Metro? 

B2: A poor guy.

B: Follow up Question: What kind of guy leaves his 1993 Geo Metro parked in front of my mailbox for two days?

B2: A guy that wants to piss you off.

B: I couldn’t help but notice that while you were blocking our mail delivery with your disrespectful park job, Steve’s 1996 Buick Regal disappeared from our driveway. Would you happen to know why this might be? 

B2: Yeah, I drove his Buick to Kennewick.

B: Does someone live out there whose mailbox you wanted to park in front of?

B2: Actually I did park in front of someone’s mailbox. That was in Toppenish though. 

B: I don’t believe you. You are a liar. I’d like you to know that while you were gone on your joyride in the Regal I got up close and personal with your Geo.

B2: That’s creepy.

B: It is, and I noticed things, really disturbing things. Perhaps most notable is that your Geo looks like a wannabe hatchback to my 1995 Honda Civic, which by no coincidence you parked directly behind. 

B2: It was either that or hit the Honda. 

B: You don’t have to tell me it’s on. Your actions speak louder than words. 

B2: (No response, glaring)

B: (Posturing) So what you wanna do? What you wanna do? 

B2: I really don’t want to do anything that involves getting up.

B: Wanna race? Wanna race then arm wrestle? I have bigger arms than you and my Civic 
has one more cylinder. 

B2: It probably does. 

B: That’s right, your Geo only comes with three cylinders, like some bull**** foreign car. 

B2: This is starting to get lame. 

B: ...I’m sorry. I’ve been drinking. 

B2: Well we probably shouldn’t race then. 

B: Yeah. Sorry. Well, would you at least be willing to reveal what you have wrapped in tinfoil in the back of your Geo? 

B2: Somebody’s gallbladder. 

B: For realsies. 

B2: Spicy rice. 

B: …That’s boring. You are a boring liar and I hate you. 

B2: (Glaring in silence)

As you can see, this interview resolved nothing and only served to throw another combustible character into the smoldering embers of the Beater Diaries’ most explosive grudge. I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of Brian and his wannabe Civic hatchback. For now, we’ll leave you with the promise of another Beater Diaries exclusive video showcasing Brian himself and the car that defines him. 

Spicy rice? Please.

Stay Tuned. 



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