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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Community Comment

Things I no longer do department…a reverie…

Good evening, Netizens...

Here is my "short list" of things I no longer do and the reasons why:

1. I no longer do more than one cancan dance per day, primarily because nobody cheers and throws flowers at me as they once did. Instead they seem to favor rotten fruit and occasionally rocks.

2. Possibly through age and impinging imbecility I no longer speak Urdu because the Pakistani couple next door who used to have the somewhat unique habit of streaking past the living room windows without any clothing on moved back to Pakistan.

3. I no longer am entertained by the elderly toothless mutt next door who once used to come over and gum my leg for entertainment. Now I simply hand him a rubber dog bone; that seems to keep him happy for hours on end.

4. Like most young men, I used to spend countless hours "adjusting" myself before going out in public so as to put my best foot forward. As I have aged, I have had to become more efficient in how I use my time, spending it now trying to remember to put on shoes and socks that match.

5. As I age, bless their hearts, my loved ones try to convince me of new things I should avoid doing each year, generally about the time of my birthday. I generally try out what they have told me not to do at least once, only to discover most of the time they were right.

6. In my ancestors day, according to my great-grandfather's diary he never once saw my great-grandmother naked, despite having four children together. Unlike great-grandpa, one of my best friends, a septugenarian, says he has seen his wife naked many times, and she him. I no longer ask him any questions about such things, simply out of embarrassment. What I don't know I cannot discuss in public.

7. I have trimmed down the number of devices and gadgets I require to sustain my life since my earlier years. The coffee pot, channel changer and the microwave oven just about complete my list of things I cannot do without. It will save time if I ever have to move again.

8. Earlier in life I used to love chasing my wife who, in those days, was frequently attired only in a towel and her gracious smile, and I could catch her four days out of five. Alas, I fear I am aging, for now I wait until she gets dressed, then make an attempt to chase her. Damn, but she has gotten faster every year!

9. Years ago, a lot of people years learned to steer a wide berth around my hot rod as I could break windows with one good blast from my custom-tuned open-draught exhaust pipes that shot blue flames out the back. I no longer do that because, at 4 miles to the gallon, I would have to mortgage the house to buy gas to drive it around the block. Besides, how, at age 60-something, would I explain a ticket for an illegal exhibition of speed to our two resident cops, Dan and Jim?

10. I used to spend time gazing out over the pastures of plenty in the summer, dreaming of things I wanted to do while I was still young. I still gaze over those pastures, but now I no longer dream of things to do, but rather am content with who I have become.

Do YOU have a list of preoccupations from your youth that you would either rather forget or no longer do?


Spokesman-Review readers blog about news and issues in Spokane written by Dave Laird.