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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper The Spokesman-Review

Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883
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The Slice

New Year’s Eve in The Slice (1996)

The fact that they weren't invited anywhere isn't the only reason a lot of people don't go to New Year's Eve parties.

No, more than a few folks stay home because they are afraid they won't have anything to say to strangers. This is called minglephobia. Fortunately, it's treatable. All you need is a good opening line.

So, as a public service, we present 20 guaranteed conversation-starters for use at Spokane area New Year's Eve parties.

1. "Hardly anyone knows this, because I was just a kid at the time, but I'm the one who talked Bing into recording ''White Christmas.'"

2. "Hey, I got your Growth Management Act right here."

3. "I'm hoping my lifestyle will become a new Spokane stereotype."

4. "If I ever have children, I'm thinking of naming them Moose and Squirrel."

5. "I've done some research, and it turns out that kids who are forced to write thank-you notes almost never wind up in jail."

6. "I'm not sentimental about the Cold War, but I miss seeing the B-52s overhead."

7. "Didn't I see you at the Lilac Parade?"

8. "Ever have the urge to drive a pickup on thin ice?"

9. "Next year, I'm either going to single-handedly save downtown or shave 15 strokes off my golf game. I can't decide which."

10. "Don't you just love maps?"

11. "My new CD is nothing but songs about wheat."

12. "The statement I'm going for with this outfit is 'East Valley happy hour.'"

13. "You might already be a winner."

14. "My script is called '101 Marmots and a Baby.'"

15. "Get that dress at the Ernst close-out?"

16. "Ever have one of those dreams where everyone at NorthTown is speaking German?"

17. "I blame the staring-without-compunction way people watch TV for the fact that ogling in real life has lost all its subtlety."

18. "If you had five seconds of airtime for your own public-service announcement during the Super Bowl broadcast, what message would you share with America?"

19. "Want to see the North Idaho variation on that under-the-mistletoe tradition?"

20. "I once called something in to The Slice but they were too chicken to use it." 

The Slice

The online home for Paul Turner's musings and interactions with disciples of The Slice.