I'm still putting the finishing touches on it. And of course, there will be an in-person job interview.

But here's a rough outline of a preliminary questionnaire I intend to present to several neighborhood kids in the near future.

The position in question involves coming in a few times a week to water house plants while we're away next month.

Do you have a track record of accidentally letting skunks in?

How often do you get high?

When you see those movies where teens have a wild party the moment the resident adults are away, do you find yourself thinking "How shockingly irresponsible of those wayward youths!"

Do you have a criminal record?

What are your compensation expectations and do they include dental coverage?

Will you speak soothingly to the plants and reassure them that they have not been abandoned?

Do you know the difference between mid-century modern and Jetsonsesque?

What's an example of a situation where you realized you had better call your mom?

How quickly can you be relied on to respond to texts?

Are you prepared to undergo a polygraph examination upon our return?

What was your reason for leaving your last plants-watering position?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

And finally, why should we hire you to be our plants waterer?

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