Surprised? We’re Not Label A Marriage A ‘Fairy Tale Romance’ And It’s Destined For Disaster

The mature person does not revel in the misery of others.

The mature person feels her own heart crack when the roof of someone else’s crumbling love affair finally caves in.

When the mature person learns of a loved one’s failed dreams, she feels those failures as if they were her own hair shirt.

When the mature person hears someone else’s wail of grief, the mature person weeps in harmony.

And the mature person would never, never crow “I told you so” upon hearing the news that Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts have gone the way of most People magazine cover couples.

For 21 months Lyle and Julia called it a marriage, though from the moment they did their impromptu “I do’s,” many in their vast audience knew it was a divorce just waiting for a date on the docket.

Last Tuesday, they announced their legal separation, insisting that they “remain close.” They made the announcement the modern way. A publicist did it.

Some among the Lyle and Julia watchers immediately considered hanging out shingles as psychics.

“Wanna lay bets on how long it lasts?” this psychic sniffed on that fateful day 21 months ago.

“A dollar says five years,” a fellow wagerer had said.

“Two years,” this psychic scoffed. “Max.”

Mature people do not try to collect on bets predicting other people’s losses in love.

Some of the early forecasts of doom, it’s true, were partly sour grapes.

A woman with my name once admitted to stalking Lyle.

This woman confessed to spotting Lyle once in a New York restaurant. She followed him in, demanded a table next to his, and on a napkin jotted notes of his tragically dumb conversation with a woman far too young and silly for a man of his seasoned talents.

Many women responded to that story with their own tales of passion for this odd-looking man who had turned relationships between the sexes into funny, touching, bitter songs you can’t help but sing along with.

One woman wrote to say she had driven eight to 12 hours several times to catch his concerts in distant cities. She and others wished him happiness - and hoped he’d quickly realize he’d never find it with Julia.

But anyone who ever loved Lyle has to find the separation sad.

“Their story made for such a nice fairy tale,” sighs one. “I guess that’s all it was though.”

Of course that’s all it was. The mature person knew that all along. The mature person does not believe in fairy tales.

The folks at the modern fairy tale factory have a wretched reliability record. The minute they call a relationship a fairy tale romance, the poor couple may as well call the divorce lawyers.

Burt and Loni? Tom and Roseanne? Charles and Di?

Richard and Cindy? Billy and Christie? Kevin Costner and his high school sweetheart?

The fairy tale factory declared every match a love affair for eternity. In celebrity fairy tales, eternity typically lasts three to seven years.

Lyle’s problem is that he was not made for fairy tales. He always seemed like the guy down the dorm hall who just happened to hit it big and marry bigger. He was mortal. His mistake was to marry an alien from planet Hollywood.

Last Tuesday, Dr. Joyce Brothers was quoted saying men shouldn’t extract the wrong lesson from the breakup. They should not let Lyle’s bad luck deter them from beautiful women.

But the lesson of this fractured fairy tale is not about beauty. The lesson is: Stick to your own species.

Swans should not mate with giraffes. Rhinoceros should not marry snails.

Smart, plain, shy guys approaching middle age should not marry gorgeous young movie stars whose resumes have them “romantically linked” with every stud on the marquee.

The mature person would not have wished divorce for Lyle, but then again the mature person knows that what’s bad for your heart is often good for your art.

So Lyle’s fans extend honest condolences and look forward to some really good new songs.