Ah, the jokers - er, make that the jokes - were wild, as local elephants and donkeys eulogized and demonized, respectively, the GOP’s “Contract With America” on Wednesday. … Idaho state Republican Chairman Randy Smith told all who had forked over 40 clams that Kootenai County is (smooch smooch) essential and (Iluvaluvaluvyou) appreciated. Why, then, did he keep referring to it as “Kooten-eye County”? … GOP emcee Pete Erbland genuflected to Rush, “The G-Man,” et al.: “Let’s not forget the impact of talk radio. You can finally bypass the normal media.” I resent that, counselor. I’ve never met any normal media types.
Fox trots stuff: Schools superintendent Anne Fox told the Lincoln Day gathering about having signed an autograph for a boy at a Boise shopping mall. Curious, she asked how he knew her. Responded the tyke: “You’re my most favorite TV personality. I watch you every night on the evening news.” … Erbland deadpanned that Fox’s greatest accomplishment was getting O.J. Simpson off Page 1. … Fox finished on a high note: “You just watch out because the Fox is after the hounds, and she’s on the move.”
Down but not out: Meanwhile, singing in their beer, the Jeffersonians offered new lyrics to an old GOP favorite: “In ‘94, we didn’t win, but we’ll get back in the game again; happy days will come again.” … State Sen. Clyde Boatright, R-Rathdrum, was targeted in a skit by a look-alike who said he was from North Idaho “where the wind blows so hard even Republican turkeys can fly.” (Apparently, Democratic turkeys are too heavy, though. Right, Bob Brown?) … Then, “Newt Gingrich” ended the debate about public-broadcast funding by shooting Big Bird. Harharhar? Later, Brad Stoddard was seen consoling two of his young sons, explaining that Big Bird wasn’t really dead.
Swinging governor: Gov. Phil Batt jazzed up the signing of a proclamation for the Retired and Senior Volunteer Program by pulling out his clarinet, according to Our Woman in Boise. With Billy Mitchell on the trumpet, Batt serenaded Boise’s Julia LaValle with “Happy Birthday” and “Ain’t Misbehavin’.” The RSVP volunteer had just celebrated her 93rd birthday by renewing her driver’s license. … And a happy birthday today to Alice Rankin. Husband Ron got her a vanity plate for her ‘78 Lincoln coupe certain to irritate pro-choicers: “RT2LIFE.” Alice has marched in every anti-abortion parade since the Roe vs. Wade court decision.
Yellow journalism: Surprisingly, “A Current Affair” didn’t cut the comment by black guitarist Leon Atkinson during a recent hatchet job on LAPD Blue’s Mark Fuhrman and Sandpoint: “We have a few overt racist types with high profiles here. (But) New York’s just as racist.” Then, the interviewer drove from Fuhrman’s front door in Sandpoint to Aryan Nation headquarters. Forty-nine minutes. No subtle message there. Ha!
Huckleberries: A Rustler’s Roost customer waiting for a hepatitis shot suggested a bumper-snicker, “I took one in the rump for the Roost.” … Bump, Bump, Bump, Another One Bites the Dust: Everyone’s wondering why Ric Clarke, Dave Kilmer and another staffer quit the North Idaho Business Journal on Wednesday. Best rumor? They wanted to buy the BJ and the ol’ man said, Uh-uh. Stay tuned. … More “Amazing Grace” sight-‘ems: Cory Rosdahl, Melissa Lamb-Topp and Jerry and Elder Thomas. Others? … Bumper-snicker on black Nissan truck Friday: “Don’t tailgate me or I’ll flick a booger on your windshield. … Hmmmm. The fella driving a black pickup with Washington plates needs either to get rid of the yeller dog riding with him or his tailgate sign: “Just Married.”
Parting shot: Robert Hunt did a commendable job in a press release spelling out his positions and qualifications for the Post Falls School Board. In fact, he was too thorough. We really didn’t need to know that in November 1993, he had a “perineal resection for rectal-colon cancer … from Agent Orange.”
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