The Crisis In Education

Somebody asked John Lucas to grade himself on his first year as coach of the Philadelphia 76ers, who finished 24-58 and out of the playoffs. “As a teacher, I’d probably have to give myself an A,” he said. “And as a game coach, as far as knowing how to use my players, around a B.”

So, once again, it must be the students’ fault.

What’s in an initial? While we’re on the subject of the 76ers, some in the Philadelphia media have dropped the second initial from rookie B.J. Tyler’s name.

“Because,” one writer said, invoking the hoops shorthand for jump shot, “he has no J.”

Billy Bawl

Anecdote time. After he led the Dodgers to the National League pennant in 1977, Tommy Lasorda was invited to play doubles in a charity tennis tournament against Billy Martin, whose Yankees beat the Dodgers in the World Series.

Lasorda and Tracy Austin eventually won the match, which left Martin fuming. Then when it was time to leave, the parking attendant immediately recognized Lasorda.

“Hey, Tommy Lasorda, how are you?” the attendant said. “It’s great to meet you.”

Lasorda shook his hand, gestured toward Martin and said, “Well, I’m sure you know this guy, don’t you?” “Oh sure,” the attendant said. “Carl Yastrzemski.”

Martin screamed an obscenity at the attendant.

The attendant then told Lasorda that parking was on the house, but turned to Martin and said, “Sir, that will be $3.”

Copious trickerations

How far will Don King go to once get back a piece of the heavyweight title? South Africa, it turns out.

The hair-raising, syllable-wasting boxing promoter is notorious for maneuvering behind the scenes, as his dubious relationship with World Boxing Council boss Jose Sulaiman has illustrated over the years.

So with the International Boxing Federation mandating champion George Foreman fight its No. 1 contender by November - and Foreman refusing to fight King pawn Mike Tyson as long as King is involved - the organization mysteriously elevated South African heavyweight Frans Botha as its top contender.

Is Botha qualified? You bet. He just happens to be promoted by King.

A chip off the old engine block

They say Dale Earnhardt would crawl to the finish line to win a race. Actually, he did.

Only this Dale Earnhardt is just a year old - and between periods of a hockey game in Atlanta last month, he won a crawl-off against nine other babies.

Parents Doug and Elena Earnhardt aren’t related to the seven-time NASCAR driving champion as far as they know - but their son is named for him.

The original Dale didn’t reap any Winston Cup points for the victory, but the parents were awarded a $250 gift certificate from a local grocery store.

The last word …

“It’s just one less paper writing bad things about me.”

- Rockets guard Vernon Maxwell, on the Houston Post folding