He’s Back… . But Hasn’t That Line Been Used Before?

To commemorate our return to Mike Tyson’s career, a ceremonial exhibition of boxing has been scheduled here for Saturday night.

First things first, namely a week’s worth of photo opportunities and marketing pitches. Finally, to show his appreciation for our comeback, the ex-con and former champ will go a couple of rounds with this Peter McNeeley fellow, who happens to have a chin the size of a catcher’s mitt.

Unlike many underwhelming heavyweights, the first thing you notice when you meet McNeeley is not his stomach, but the inviting target beneath his mouth.

Rumor here has it that Tyson is planning his next tattoo - of Don King from the neck up - for McNeeley’s chin. There’s room, actually, for King’s entourage.

Whom were you expecting Tyson to fight post-incarceration, the conscripts of Saddam Hussein? No one can argue with McNeeley’s genealogy - his father fought Floyd Patterson in 1961; his grandfather was a 1928 boxing Olympian - but he looks more like an offensive lineman for some sandlot outfit than the next Buster Douglas.

“The pressure of the event,” said Jay Bright, Tyson’s trainer, when asked what Tyson expects to gain. “He’d be foolish to squeeze by one of the top fighters after being in prison for three years, though I have no doubt that he could.”

At least Bright, a graduate of Bard College, was smart enough not to admonish us for discounting McNeeley’s “puncher’s chance.” He knows this is nothing more than a contrived manipulation, far less a competition than a staged event. An announcement. “He’s Back.” For $25 million, the figure cited as Tyson’s purse in the advance notice sheet filed this week with the Nevada Athletic Commission.

The slogan, covering everything in Las Vegas this week but the coin slots, is a ripoff of Michael Jordan, who should be filing his lawsuit in federal court any minute now.

When Jordan, the heavyweight champion of self-promotion, decided to rejoin the Chicago Bulls in March, he let the story fester for a couple of weeks while he shot a fresh batch of television spots.

Then came his carefully crafted statement, “I’m back,” which profiteers turned into “He’s back,” all of which followed by five months a celebrity studded and nationally televised Jordan retirement bash at the United Center in Chicago.

I happened to cover that extravaganza, too, recording such historical events as Woody Harrelson strumming a folk tune and Bob Knight cracking a smile. The house and press box, I seem to recall, were packed.

He’s back. She’s back. We’re back. These days, a famous athlete sneezes, a thousand journalists rush over and hold up a Kleenex.

Not quite three weeks ago, Monica Seles - she is not the “Monica” featured in Tyson’s latest tattoo on his elbow - successfully executed the celebrity comeback trick.

First came the obligatory magazine piece, then the charity appearance, then the conference call interviews, all leading to two breathtaking sets against Martina Navratilova, playing her first singles match in a year, on the Atlantic City, N.J., boardwalk.

Guilty on that count, with the explanation that Seles, at least, was a sympathetic comebacker.

But now, while Seles actually played in her first real match in urban Toronto on Tuesday, I’m frying here in the desert, trying to guess how many seconds it will take Tyson to land on McNeeley’s runway of a chin. What a summer.

Donald Fehr would have better luck addressing a room full of Communists than a moralist would have preaching to boxing fans. If they’re not buying the payfor-view, it’s not because they are turning thumbs down on Tyson.

It’s because they’re smarter than the news media. When Tyson gets around to Riddick Bowe, George Foreman or Evander Holyfield, even King’s hyperbole won’t overstate the fight.

In the meantime, the sports book will lay $52 to your $20 that McNeeley doesn’t make it into round three. Betting the “under” or “over” seems to be the only suspenseful aspect to “He’s back,” though my guess is that we could also get some pretty good action on the actual dimensions of McNeeley’s chin.