Divorce Gut-Wrenching Financially And Emotionally Recovering Takes Years, Sacrifices

If Eric Fruge ever needs a pep talk, he could reach for the green notebook in his church office. The one crammed with nearly two inches of job rejection letters. Five years ago, Fruge was newly divorced in France, where he had served as a Baptist missionary for seven years. With his change in marital status, the church terminated his job.

Returning to Kentucky to be near family, Fruge was without a house, car, job or even a credit history because he had lived overseas so long. He was also the primary caregiver for his two young children.

“It took three years to get back on my feet,” says Fruge, who ministers to single adults at the Calvary Baptist Church in Lexington. “You get a rejection letter. You get your breath knocked out. You have to keep looking.”

Many participants who take part in Fruge’s divorce recovery workshops at Calvary Baptist look to his arduous climb back to financial recovery for inspiration.

Divorce is devastating emotionally and financially, experts say. And with one of every two marriages in the United States splitting up, it is all too common.

Couples calling it quits should expect a sacrifice in lifestyle and a financial recovery period of at least a couple years, says Pat Ham, a regional vice president at Primerica Financial Services and a volunteer speaker at Fruge’s divorce workshops.

Fruge said he worked minimum-wage jobs at a hotel, was a substitute teacher and did “anything to make ends meet” while he earned a doctorate degree.

Because hardship after divorce is typical, Ham recommends that new singles: put themselves on a budget, because they were probably accustomed to a two-income household; cut up credit cards, because both spouses still have to cover the liability for their joint cards even after they split; and tighten their belts to try to pay off expenses.

New singles must also resist any urge to splurge - even if it’s for the children. Tell the kids the family needs to switch to generic brands and must work as a team to cut costs, Ham says.

That’s what Lara Hollis, 34, of Lexington is trying to do with her daughter.

“I’m on a budget now and when it’s tight I’ll have to say to her, ‘Mommy doesn’t have the money to go to McDonald’s,”’ Hollis says.

With a pending divorce, Hollis says, she completed a financial planning class to help map out her future. Fruge’s discussion groups also provide support.

Hollis, a stay-at-home mom active in the Junior League, says she will return to nursing. Her biggest concerns are that her daughter will be able to take part in activities such as ballet and attend college.

“In a divorce, everything that a couple’s financial life entails has to be adjudicated or resolved,” says Violet Woodhouse, a California family law attorney, certified financial planner and co-author of “Divorce and Money” (Nolo Press, $21.95). “It is absolutely overwhelming.”

Woodhouse advises couples to realize that “neither party can live like they used to,” and “you have to accept that. You’re not going to get it all.”

When the divorce court divides up a couple’s joint debts, a common misconception is that the court also splits up their individual liability to creditors, says Tracey Wise, a Lexington lawyer. “But it doesn’t get them off the hook,” she cautions.

For example, if one spouse doesn’t pay off her debts on a joint Sears account, creditors can go after the ex-husband, Wise says.

Couples must also understand what marital debts are - they are not just jointly incurred expenses but rather debts that benefited the parties during their marriage, says Jo Ann Alexander, a lawyer and partner with Wise.

Even after the divorce is final, if an ex-spouse decides to hold on to a credit card, the other should determine whether he or she continues to be liable for expenses, Ham says.

Typically a couple’s biggest asset is their house. But a frequent error is to not realistically assess whether it makes sense for either spouse to keep it.

On just one income, making house payments might not be feasible, Alexander warns.

With so many gut-wrenching emotional and financial decisions, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by divorce.

And sometimes, a reality check can also be eye-opening.

Hollis, who volunteers at the Salvation Army, says she can’t forget the day she saw a woman and her three children lining up for a hot meal. Volunteers said she was newly separated and had nowhere to go.

“I went home with tears streaming down my face. That could be me,” recalls Hollis. “‘There, (but) for the grace of God, go I,’ I thought.”