Holidays With Their Family Relationships Enter New Territory During The Holiday Season

Falling in love is easy.

Maintaining that feeling through the holidays, that’s the hard part.

Because here’s the deal. Achieving balance and at least the perception of fairness is a daunting challenge for ANY romantic couple at ANY time. But it can be particularly difficult for new couples this time of year.

Why? Let’s go to the list. (And be warned, this one has nothing to do with naughty and nice. This is about survival.)

1. Holidays expose men and women to the singular strangeness that is their beloved’s family.

There’s nothing else quite like it.

And while it’s OK for a son or daughter to complain about his or her own parents, the merest hint of agreement on the part of Mr. or Miss Significant Other can lead to a Frosty the Dead Man silence followed by the ultimate indictment, “Are you making fun of my mother?”

You know that little sleeping-arrangements talk you were going to have with the parents? You know, the one about “We’re adults now and we think …”? Well, save your breath. That won’t be necessary. The couch is over there.

The lesson: Do not criticize the other person’s family or their holiday traditions. That’s not your job. Not yet.

2. Deciding where to go for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas or whatever can involve some truly delicate compromises.

And brand-new couples aren’t always adept at negotiation because they have been operating on the hilarious assumption that both parties JUST WANT TO DO WHATEVER WILL MAKE THE OTHER PERSON HAPPY.

Hahahahahahaha.

But reality arrives with the holidays. That means there is an excellent chance someone is going to wind up feeling like a loser after the where-will-we-go summit.

And none of us likes to lose.

The lesson: Recognize at the outset that this is a big deal. Talk about it. Don’t brood in silence. Figure out a fair plan and then stick to it - even if the families try to tamper with your agreement.

Colfax’s Tresa McLean has been married a long time and her family has moved all over the country. Her advice? Learn the importance of two key concepts: “Rotate” and “juggle.”

It’s like we learned in grade school. You’ve got to take turns. One holiday here, one holiday there.

3. It’s not always just the thought that counts.

Read these words slowly and carefully: Some people never forget it if you don’t come up with great gifts early in an established courtship. Never.

And pleasing Mr. or Miss CouldBe-Right isn’t the only issue. If you think there is a possibility that his or her family is going to lay some heavyduty presents on you, be prepared.

The lesson: Don’t be shy. Go ahead and ask. “Chris, I was thinking of giving your dad a tie … you don’t think he was serious about getting me that VCR do you?”

4. Don’t forget all the emotional stuff you’ve seen on TV and in the movies.

You know, profound religious differences, homosexuality, vegetarianism, et cetera.

Was it Shakespeare who said real life can be way complicated?

Sure, you’re mad about your special someone. But do you truly respect him or her? Prepare to find out.

There’s nothing like some water glass-shattering tension to spice up the season. And Americans love to make big announcements on holidays. In some families, it wouldn’t count as an official get-together unless someone dropped a bombshell just before the dessert is served.

But, to borrow from the bard again, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Face it. It just won’t be easy (unless YOU are your family’s drama junkie and really get off on making jaws drop).

The lesson: If you need the newspaper to tell you how to deal with these sensitive matters, you aren’t ready to tackle them yet.

5.) Coping with out-there expectations.

If your steady companion thinks that it’s your job to personally ensure that the Christmas season is one long feel-good festival of warm hearts and broad smiles, you could be in trouble. Big trouble.

Everyone knows the holidays can be stressful. But some optimists believe that a new love will magically transport them into a holly-bedecked zone of yuletide bliss.

And you know what? Sometimes it happens. Here’s hoping.

The lesson: Be yourself. Never pretend to be an elf or an angel.

6.) You might have to overcome performance anxiety.

So you’re sitting at the table at the home of one of your true love’s relatives. A mug of eggnog that resembles hydraulic fluid and a plate of something you simply cannot identify are smilingly placed before you. “Here you are, dear,” says Aunt Helen. “I made this just for you.”

Your special someone gives you The Look.

The lesson: Eat it.

7.) Do you have what it takes to bridge the excitement gap?

Some couples are made up of one person who is a total holiday loon and one person who is rather blase about the whole deal.

Many of these couples don’t last till New Year’s.

The lesson: Not everybody is exactly like you. If that realization throws you, just remember. Being single is only a misdemeanor in the Inland Northwest.

8.) Remember, new couples don’t get any respect.

Not all families are willing to accept the idea that you and your main squeeze/new spouse/whatever might have come up with YOUR OWN holiday plans.

“What? You’re not coming over to open presents? Are you ill, dear? Is something wrong?”

The lesson: Growing up doesn’t mean you aren’t still someone’s kid.

9.) It knows when you’ve been sleeping, it knows when you’re awake - it’s BACKGROUND STRESS.

When you add the volatility of a new romance to the pressures of the holidays, you get a scene reminiscent of those old TV westerns in which the guy with shaky hands is carrying the nitro into the mine. You just never know when the whole thing’s gonna blow.

For starters, the entire families/ presents routine puts heat on couples to define and label their relationships.

Which brings us to your nervous system. Shopping, parties, gift wrapping … all that stuff can be fun. But it can also take a toll on the 93 percent of the population who, frankly, kind of like the ruts they’re in 11 months of the year.

Of course, if you have figured out how to clone yourself, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Have you mailed your cards yet?

The lesson: Easy, easy……EASY!

10.) The good news.

If you make it through the fruitcake and mistletoe and the two of you are still smiling, well, you might really have something there.

Congratulations.

Spokane’s Sally Mahar has been on both sides of the issue. She has been half of a new couple. And she has been the parent of someone who is.

Her advice: “I think it behooves new couples to treasure their relationship first.”

If it’s serious, the families will just have to understand. And maybe they will.

After all, this person they’ve been hearing so much about might be a relative someday.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by A. Heitner