A Statement Of Fashion Ugly Tie Contest Proves There Is No Accounting For Taste

Cutting all ties with tradition, the annual 12 Ugly Ties of Xmas contest is no longer judged by my color-blind, fashion-impaired co-workers.

When it comes to sartorial wisdom, journalists are unfortunately more Calvin and Hobbes than Calvin Klein.

If someone enters, say, a dead skunk or a hairball coughed up by an infected yak, my rumpled cronies will invariably hold the reeking object to their necks and grunt:

“Duh, I dunno, I think I gotta shirt it’d go with.”

I therefore turned to three professionals who know ugly when they see it.

Thanks go to Steve Myklebust of the Nordstrom Men’s Department, Massoud Emami of Anderson & Emami Men’s Clothiers and Jack Kendall of Funky Groovy Threads.

These men graciously elevated this year’s contest to a new level of nightmare neckwear awareness.

“Wow,” Myklebust said while judging a swirling, psychedelic entry from the 1960s. “This one looks like Jerry Garcia’s first acid trip.”

It is this kind of canny insight that has made Spokane the biggest center for high fashion between Ritzville and Post Falls.

In the end, the experts selected 12-year-old Julia Williams’ crass cravat as 1995’s septic-tank worst of 65 bilious entries.

It was the closest vote ever. Williams won with 24 points (out of a possible 30), followed by five ties tied at 23 points and five others knotted at 22.

Williams’ winner is a corrugated blend of white, purple and the color of that evil Chinese mustard. You know, the stuff that nukes your nostrils and makes you spray your dinner date with chunks of spring roll.

The material is a given. All truly ugly ties, says Emami, “must be polyester.”

Williams, a Moscow resident, pockets a $100 Nordstrom gift certificate. “This is great,” she said, adding that she “had no idea” where the tie came from.

A brief conversation with Williams’ mom, Linda, cleared up the mystery.

“I spend my whole summer going to yard sales to hunt for ugly ties for your contest,” she said.

From this we can gather that Linda:

A. Is a woman with a genius for turning trash into treasure, or …

B. Is a woman in desperate need of a better hobby.

So far, however, Linda’s necktie safaris have paid off. Two years ago, one of her finds took a $50 runner-up prize.

“We’re building an ugly tie dynasty,” she said with a laugh.

In the homemade category, Tum Tum’s Cee Cee Kane won a $100 Nordstrom gift certificate with a 10-foot, 10-pound art project.

The monstrosity features a fat naked guy taking a bath, animals, fake greenery, lights and a tiny electronic box that squeaks out an annoying medley of Christmas tunes.

“There is a Santa Claus,” Cee Cee exclaimed, “and he writes for The Spokesman-Review.”

Well, ho, ho, ho to you, too.

Just missing on the loot, but among the wretched runner-ups, were ties from: Dan Zupan, Diane Quellmalz, Sue Nelson (two finalists), Larry Weir, Bob Gibbs (two finalists), Dave McKenzie (two finalists) and Vicki Olmstead.

These people will get lovely parting gifts in appreciation of their efforts.

Every year, however, there is a despicable entry guaranteed to offend almost everyone.

Otherwise upstanding citizens have sent me an underwear tie, a penis tie and a tie covered with hair from a barber shop floor.

This time, Zupan took the gross-out honors. The 16-year-old Chewelah boy sent in a tie covered with disgusting thick egg crust. It looks as if the kid passed out in an omelet.

“Duh, I dunno,” said one of my journalist co-workers, “I think I gotta shirt it’d go with.”

It is customary to close with some appropriate verse from Norma Stever, the 12 Ugly Ties of Xmas poet laureate.

This is her latest:

“Super Shock Champs”

Sports fans, the super game is near,

The clash all men have grown to fear.

They roll their glazed and jaundiced eyes:

The Rorschach Christmas test of ties.

Is that weird blot a butterfly

Or beer or gravy not quite dry?

What inside does this rag reveal?

This tie, how does it make you feel? Those nightmare colors new to man,

Emote, describe them if you can.

Tortured in textile, trapped in ties,

The angst and tears of the ‘90s guys.

These tender men who keep a deal,

Who love, but can’t say what they feel.

Champs who smile, and rise above it:

“Thanks, it’s great - I really love it!”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo; surrounding color photos of the 12 winning ties