Clarity? He Must Have Thought She Said Parody

Oprah Winfrey has learned to be a little more careful with her New Year’s wishes.

“Every year I ask God for something,” the daytime talk queen told TV Guide. “In 1994, it was clarity.”

The result: although she lost 80 pounds, the ratings dipped for her talk show, her friend and executive producer resigned and she was sued by her former publicist.

And as for the coming year?

“What I’ve asked God for this year is peace and a little joy,” Winfrey said. “I was going to ask for wisdom. But I thought, no, I’ll let another year pass before I ask for that, because I’m not sure I’m ready to see what will have to happen to bring me wisdom.”

Oh, and one more thing: “I’d like to see me not get sued.”

Tom Snyder, on his new CBS talk show: “There is nothing to be scared of. Nobody is going to come and take my family away. They are not going to put pins underneath my nails. The worst they can do is take me off the air - and hey, they’ve done that before.” Let’s see, she’s the one who keeps her clothes on, right?

Maureen Reagan turns 54 today.

Hard to say - maybe his best bath robe was in the cleaners?

Brian Wilson promised to perform with the Beach Boys for the first time in 30 years as part of a settlement in a lawsuit over song royalties, but failed to show for three reunion concerts scheduled at Lake Tahoe over the weekend.”We’re as baffled as everyone else. said a Caesar’s Tahoe spokeswoman. “We don’t know why he did it.”

Knowing her family, we imagine it’s probably just fool’s gold

Geologists have found traces of gold in streams at Balmoral, Queen Elizabeth II’s holiday home in the Scottish Highlands. Oil previously was discovered beneath Windsor Castle.

The other one reportedly shows her standing at a pay phone

The Vail holiday hunting season is over and a flock of photographers managed to get only two clear shots of Princess Diana during a five-day ski vacation, including one of her in a chairlift.

Scorecards here, can’t tell your Windsors without a scorecard

Most of the media jackals moved on to the Swiss Alps resort of the Klosters, where Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, and daughters Beatrice and Eugenie were reportedly bumped out of their four-star hotel suite to make room for Prince Charles, who arrived Monday to ski with sons William and Harry. Fergie, of course, is estranged from Chas’ brother, Prince Andrew.

But even she hasn’t got a clue about Michael and Lisa Marie

Feeling confused? British novelist Doris Lessing offers this thumbnail analysis of the royals: “First of all, none of them are very bright. And Charles has been so badly screwed up by his parents that he can’t behave normally. As for Diana, she’s a very silly little girl. We never knew how stupid they were before.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Compiled by staff writer Rick Bonino