I’ve reviewed a lot of bad movies. Holes like “Home Alone 2” and “Super Mario Brothers” lead the list. To think of the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life is not worth the effort, but for now I can safely say “The Brady Bunch Movie” is the worst film I have seen in a long, long time.
This movie is so bad, it’s loathsome. During the plodding pace of “The Brady Bunch Movie,” I found myself wishing horrid acts of violence on most of the characters. It doesn’t take a lot to make someone dislike a movie, but it takes quite a bit to make someone resent one.
The worst thing about “The Brady Bunch” is the forced cheeriness of the Bradys. They are the happiest family on Earth, but there is a sinister quality to their congeniality. It would take great actors and actresses to actually make the Brady family seem as happy as they are. This movie lacks that talent.
The actors and actresses do not make the family’s emotions seem sincere, so what we see are a lot of plastic smiles with flat eyes. This isn’t funny; it’s creepy. The Bradys have the kind of jovial glad-to-help attitudes that, for some reason, I associate with serial killers and child molesters.
The “plot” has a firm wanting to make the Bradys’ block a residential mini-mall. A ruthless real estate agent has convinced everyone in the neighborhood to sell their houses, except for the hold-out Bradys. But the Bradys owe $20,000 in taxes and, if they don’t pay, they lose their house to the mini-mall. So what should be a 30-minute television episode with commercials becomes a long, long 90 minutes here.
If you can sit through the unbearable tension and heartpounding suspense this “plot” creates, there are several of the most interesting and endearing subplots ever caught on film. One focuses on Jan, the middle daughter, who is jealous of all the attention that her older sister Marsha gets. And Marsha has a date to the dance but wants to go with someone else. Greg and Peter both are infatuated with girls who are either uninterested or already have a boyfriend. Yawn.
The film is all face value, except for more than a few scenes that suggest lesbianism and the scarce ultra-dirty joke. How either of these elements found their way into this movie is a mystery.
I cannot think of a single thing that would justify making this bomb, besides the obvious attempt to make money off the recent Take-An-OldSitcom-and-Make-It-A-Movie fad. This made me yearn for excellent classic cinema the likes of which you see in health class. In every way, this is an utterly deplorable film that should be burned. Avoid at all costs.
ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo
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