New Endings We Can Only Guess What Kind Of ‘Improvements’ Roland Joffe Would Make To Other Classics
So, it’s true. Director Roland Joffe, questioning the talent and imagination of Nathaniel Hawthorne, has decided to create a new ending for the seminal American writer’s novel “The Scarlet Letter.”
In fact, with the aid of screenwriter Douglas Day Stewart, Joffe has decided to make it a whole new story altogether - and cast Demi Moore as Hester Prynne in the process.
The result is a typical Hollywood-tackles-the-classics phenomenon. It is “Disclosure” and “Silas Marner” meets “The Witches of Eastwick” and “Last of the Mohicans.”
But whatever else you may want to say about him, Joffe is - or at least once was - a skilled filmmaker. His 1984 adaptation of Sydney Schanberg’s non-fiction study “The Killing Fields” remains one of the best films of the 1980s.
So we began to think: What if we set the esteemed British filmmaker loose on some other classic novels? How would he, er, “improve” them?
Here are some guesses:
“Moby Dick” - The white whale (Keiko, the star of “Free Willy”) decides that Capt. Ahab (Danny DeVito) isn’t such a bad guy after all. So instead of drowning the truculent seagoing psycho and his crew (led by Chris Elliott as Ishmael), he carries them all to San Diego, where they become a popular Sea World attraction.
“Don Quixote” - The noble knight (Antonio Banderas) recovers from his heartache and is awarded a financial charter from the queen of Spain (Madonna). He moves to Barcelona and opens a miniature golf course (complete with windmills) with his longtime love Dulcinea (Melanie Griffith).
“Great Expectations” - Pip (Leonardo DiCaprio) persuades his great love Estella (Alicia Silverstone) that he truly is worthy of her affection, and the two of them reward Miss Havisham (Mary Tyler Moore) by making her a step-grandmother a dozen times over.
“Grapes of Wrath” - Ma Joad (Susan Sarandon) persuades her son Tom (Tim Robbins) that the family’s future depends on their moving to Barstow and opening the state’s first espresso stand featuring date-flavored lattes.
“Little Women (The Musical)” - The members of TLC and Salt ‘N Pepa hold down the home front while Father March (Morgan Freeman) is off fighting in Vietnam. Near death, Beth (Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes) recovers long enough to sing the film’s moving anthem: “Do You Think I’m Sexy?”
“Wuthering Heights” - On the eve of her wedding to Edgar Linton (Eric Stolz), the lovely Cathy Earnshaw (Winona Ryder) comes to her senses and agrees to marry the fiery-tempered Heathcliff (Johnny Depp). They open a school for foundlings, and Heathcliff turns the ragtag group (led by Tina Majorino) into a championship ice hockey team.
“The Godfather” - Vito Corleone (Danny Aiello) comes to America and, with the help of his three sons (Nicolas Cage, John Turturro and Fred Savage), builds the biggest used-car franchise on the East Coast. His motto: “I’ll eat an anguilla affumicata to make a deal” (trans.: “I’ll eat a smoked eel to make a deal”).
“The Great Gatsby” - Realizing that his obsession with Daisy (Jennifer Anniston) will lead only to trouble, Jay Gatsby (Brad Pitt) decides to invest his energies into New York real estate and becomes - the father of Donald Trump (Chris Farley)!
“Lord of the Flies” - Jack (Macaulay Culkin) and his gang are all set to roast Ralph (Elijah Wood) when a boat bearing survivors from an all-girls school lands on the island. Trina (Elle McPherson) and Helga (Cindy Crawford) stop the violence and involve the boys in such healthy activities as beach volleyball and high-impact aerobics.
“Johnathan Livingston Seagull” - Just kidding. Even Roland Joffe couldn’t “improve” this turkey.
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