It’s ‘Monday Night Football’ - Bring On The Clowns

Picks

“Monday Night Football” is alive and well - and killing us. We, the people, gather every autumn Monday evening to cap our NFL weekend with a prime-time celebration; instead, we get Hank Williams Jr., pyro-techno trash, a breathless Brent Musburger at halftime, promo hell, “Swannie” on the sidelines, blimp overload and, ladies and gentlemen, the Brothers Karamazov of the broadcast booth, Frank Gifford and Dan Dierdorf.

It’s still The Greatest Show on Earth, it just needs new clowns.

The problem, as usual, is that talk is cheap, and ABC’s analysts stock up at Price Club. By night’s end, you feel like you’ve been stuck in a linen closet with Green Bay. “Monday Night Football” has become a 3-hour chat room on the Internet, and all exit doors are locked.

These guys could talk van Gogh’s other ear off.

Sure, ABC still has smooth, nonpareil play-by-play ace Al Michaels in the booth, but remember this - if Pavarotti were singing with the Bee Gees, there’s still no way around those Bee Gees.

(One might turn the sound down and listen to the game on CBS Radio, but have you heard Jack Buck and Hank Stram lately? At any given moment, they actually appear to be broadcasting an entirely different game than the one going on.)

Remarkably - and I can’t believe I am saying this publicly - Gifford is now the lesser of the two boll weevils. (Next thing you know, I’ll be booking onto Carnival Cruise.) Dierdorf, who easily amuses himself and then likes to repeat whatever easily amuses himself, appears to be auditioning as sidekick for “The Larry Sanders Show.” He vacillates between the obvious and the obscure.

Two weeks ago, in overtime, Dierdorf said: “San Diego right now is playing with field-position fire.”

Field-position fire? Is that somehow linked to free-range chicken?

Footnote: NBC after years of foisting Merlin Olsen, Bill Walsh and Bob Trumpy on us as its No. 1 analysts - finally has scored with its new top team. On “Monday Night Football,” three’s a crowd; on NBC’s Sunday games, three’s company. Dick Enberg is no match for Michaels, but NBC has the better ex-Giant (Phil Simms) and the better ex-beefy white guy (Paul Maguire) than ABC. They talk less and say more than the Monday loudmouths.

(Memo to NFL: Your officiating crews are making more bad calls than the O.J. jury - and they take longer to make up their minds.)

(Related Item: Amid ongoing dispute as to number of participants at Million Man March, NFL officials are sticking with their original count of 12.)

(Personal Item: If I ever select the Jets again in this or any subsequent lifetime, I have authorized next of kin to commit me to the Norm Hitzges Prognosticators Rehab Clinic & Rodeo in Carson City, Nev.)

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

49ers (-4) at Rams

Let me see if I understand this correctly: If Rams win this game, they will have best record in NFC and two-game lead over 49ers. Wow. I guess Pat Buchanan could carry Wisconsin… . 49ers’ Doug Brien discovered he had been fired Monday when he spotted his kicking tee at Sausalito swap meet. Pick: Rams.

Vikings at Packers (-4-1/2)

I’m a Dennis Green guy and I’m a Mike Holmgren guy. Holmgren, though, is eight months older than his Vikings counterpart, and - considering this game is on grass - I think experience on God’s green Earth counts. Pick: Packers.

Bills at Patriots (even)

Concerned about crowd control, Patriots will limit fans entering Foxboro Stadium Monday night to one case of beer, one-fifth of whiskey and one prior felony conviction. Pick: Bills.

Colts at Raiders (-7)

With Raiders, the play’s not over until the fighting after the play is over… . Maybe it was just me, but last Monday night I could’ve sworn I saw Vince Evans sacked by Art Carney. Pick: Colts.

Oilers at Bears (-7)

Bears’ 1985 championship team to be honored at Soldier Field; time permitting, Mike Ditka will yell at every offensive starter and grab Jim McMahon by the face mask. Pick: Oilers.

Chiefs at Broncos (-3)

Where did Broncos get their Mile High Stadium turf, Home Depot? That new sod’s so slippery, players don’t need cleats, they need snow tires. Pick: Chiefs.

Jaguars at Browns (-13)

Cleveland QB Vinny Testaverde has thrown 179 passes with only one INT. That’s like Dean Martin throwing a New Year’s Eve party with only one DWI. Pick: Jaguars.

Lions (-1) at Redskins

Washington coach Norv Turner is subject of cover story in November issue of Close But No Cigar Aficionado magazine. Pick: Redskins.

Dolphins (-9) at Jets

Today: Rich Kotite, head football coach, New York Jets. Tomorrow: Rich Kotite, regional sales director, Amway Products. Pick: Dolphins.

Chargers (-2) at Seahawks

San Diego WR Mark Seay has dropped more balls than Times Square. Pick: Seahawks.

Falcons at Buccaneers (-3)

Tampa Bay, 5-2? If The Man were a tree, he’d be a weeping willow. Pick: Falcons.

Saints (-3) at Panthers

This game is the NFL equivalent of hospital food. Pick: Panthers.

Last week: 5-7.

Season record: 42-46-7.