Listen, Hold, Trust When Asked What They Want From Parents, Teens’ Answers Boil Down To These Three Things

How would teens describe the ideal parents?

Canadian psychologist and junior high schoolteacher Dr. Scott Wooding asked this question to his Calgary, Alberta, students nearly 800 students over four years encouraging them to identify the characteristics that would make an ideal mom and dad.

The results are surprising, and surprisingly simple.

These teens want parents who will listen to them, show them they care through hugs, and trust them to act responsibly.

“It boiled down to three statements,” says Wooding in a recent interview, “hear me, hug me, trust me.”

Which, by the way, is the title of his new book on parenting teens, published by Script Publishing.

“Hear Me, Hug Me, Trust Me” focuses on teens and what they have to say about parenting.

While not intended to be scientific, the sample of teens Wooding uses is representative of the majority of teenagers in Canada and the United States between the ages of 12 and 16, from a wide variety of cultural and economic backgrounds.

The book is practical and personal, based on the experiences of adolescents who took part in Wooding’s classroom surveys and warmly refer to him as “Doc.”

“Considering the amount of complaining that students do about their parents,” says Wooding, “the surprising aspect from collecting this information was the depth of understanding they had of what is required to be a good parent and why.”

The students developed a set of characteristics that were as complete and realistic as any parenting expert could devise: “play fair,” “respect me,” “set an example,” “be with me,” “be honest.”

Yet the overriding message from teens was, “Show that you hear me, that you care for me, that you trust me.”

For example, Crystal (last names not used), a student quoted in Wooding’s book, says, “It’s easy to talk to parents if they listen instead of yelling and getting mad.”

Listen without reacting.

A teen’s life is full of predicaments - they get mad at a friend, lose a big game or fail a test - and they need someone to confide in. Peers don’t usually have the insight and experience to solve the problem. Parents often do.

“To teens,” says Wooding, “if you become a good listener, then you’re a great communicator.”

To become a good listener, remain calm, he says throughout the book. Don’t interrupt and don’t make snap judgments. Instead, make time to talk and try not to show emotion such as anger, disappointment or laughter.

Listening shows you care, and so do hugs.

“There is no doubt,” says Wooding, “teens want signs that their parents love and support them.”

Throughout Wooding’s surveys, teens expressed a desire that their parents “give hugs and kisses,” “be kind and loving” and “show they love their children.”

The frantic pace of teenage life, their constant desire to be with friends, and their frequent need for privacy suggest that teens don’t want anything to do with their parents, writes Wooding. Yet nothing could be further from the truth.

“Although they are asserting their rights, pushing limits and demanding freedom,” he says, “they are not ready to fly solo.”

Parents who reassure them they are loved provide tremendous security.

“The balance between showing you care and allowing freedom, between protection and overprotectiveness, is the delicate balance you must try to achieve,” he writes.

This is where trust comes in.

“Trust is one of the scariest parts of raising a teen,” says Wooding. “As they mature, they feel they are able to handle more and more freedom. It is up to the parent to try to gauge how much their teen can handle and then give it to them.”

Wooding’s rule: Trust the teen first. More than likely, he or she will live up to this trust.

The discipline crisis

When trust is broken, however, teens know they need discipline.

“You have to have rules and consequences for breaking the rules,” Wooding says.

He believes there is a discipline crisis between parents and teens and attributes this crisis to a combination of factors. First is a lack of understanding of the importance of discipline to a child.

“There seems to be a theory today that disciplining kids is bad,” says Wooding. “While children shouldn’t be hit, the application of consequences to inappropriate actions is vital to the development of children.”

They can’t find limits by themselves. They want and need discipline.

Secondly, modern parents lack the time and energy for discipline, he believes. It is often easier to ignore the bad behavior or give in to their demands than deal with the situation appropriately.

Says Wooding, “Discipline in the home needs to be a reasonable, collaborative process.”

He says to start discipline when kids are young and carry it on when they are teens. The only difference as they get older is that you involve them in the process. Let them give input as to the rules, and consequences for breaking them.

Stress of modern life

What saddens Wooding most about today’s parent/teen relationship is the little time parents seems to be spending at parenting.

“Parents are doing well with younger kids, but as kids get older, parents let them go. They are too tired to discipline. Morals are not being taught. And it is no longer the case very often that parents make sacrifices for their kids.”

Wooding does not place blame solely on parents, but also on a series of changes in our society over the last 30 years which he refers to as “the stress of modern living.”

“Because parents want more for their kids than they had themselves, the result is a tremendous increase in the activities in which youngsters are enrolled,” he says.

This increased activity is complicated with bigger and faster-paced cities. There is more noise, pollution and commotion. Parents are physically and mentally exhausted, all of which results in some very uptight young people.

So what to do?

Parents can make a point of not adding to the stress by limiting their children’s activities.

“Although parents mean well,” says Wooding, “kids don’t need all of it. Let them create their own fun.”

Secondly, seize the moments of daily life for communication.

Family dinners, he says, are a wonderful time of the day where family members can relax and conversation can be used to draw teens out. Car rides are another great time for communication, as well as right before bedtime.

“It’s never too late to salvage your relationship with your teen,” Wooding says, and he peppers his book with equal amounts of advice and encouragement, hoping to give parents renewed determination.

“Parenting takes a lot of energy,” says Wooding. “But the rewards for good parenting are tremendous. You don’t see them right away, but down the line when the teens are in their 20s and 30s you see the nurturing pay off.”

“Hear Me, Hug Me, Trust Me” ($14.95, Script Publishing) is available at Auntie’s Bookstore or by calling (800) 507-BOOK.

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MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: What teens hate to hear Avoid these conversation-stoppers which lead to flared tempers, says Dr. Scott Wooding in his book, “Hear Me, Hug Me, Trust Me.” Because I said so. Because it’s our house. You don’t have a say in this. You’re too young to understand. When I was your age … I don’t need a reason. Kids today … You ungrateful little … Don’t talk back. I don’t have time to talk about this right now. Go ask your mother/father. You’ll understand in a few years.