Don’t Be Fooled By The Mugshots, Cowboys Aren’t

From America’s Team to “America’s Most Wanted,” the Dallas Cowboys remain America’s passion. They battle the league, they battle the courts, they battle each other.

It’s Peyton Place in cleats.

And whether they win or lose, the Cowboys walk around with an incredible swagger - or, as was the case with Deion Sanders at training camp, drive around in a Mercedes Benz golf cart.

At times in Big D, it seems as if the owner is running for office and the players are running the team. The coach acts like a substitute teacher, and the class decides it can do anything it wants.

Then, of course, we are forever indebted to Nate Newton who, responding to the disclosure that Cowboys players operated a party pad out of a home they called the White House, told the Dallas Morning News: “We got a little place over here where we’re running some whores in and out trying to be responsible, and we’re criticized for that, too.”

Last year, primarily through the acquisition of Sanders, the Cowboys managed to turn the highbrow 49ers into underdogs. This year - through free agency losses, injuries and Irvin’s five-game suspension - the Cowboys have managed to turn their higgledy-piggledy selves into underdogs.

In actuality, the Cowboys are 2-1/2-point favorites at Chicago Monday night. Sure, Chicago is my kind of village, and Dallas could be without Irvin, Emmitt Smith and Jay Novacek. But curiously, I root for Switzer - who is so seat-of-the-pants, he’s got no seat left - and, curiously, I’m going to take the Cowboys and give the points.

If you doubt me, let me remind you - I am The Man and you are merely the people. Let me remind you that my PUBLICLY DOCUMENTED record the past six regular seasons has been 115-103-3, 117-99-7, 109-107-4, 112-108-1, 107-103-9 and 118-111-8. Let me remind you I’m picking against the point spread. And, finally, let me remind you, when I’m strutting down the street, clear a wide path for me; The Man needs room.

As always, all picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be used for any actual cash wager:

Cardinals at Colts (-9)

With new hope held out for life on Mars - and because temperatures there are slightly cooler than in Tempe - Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill may shift home games to the Red Planet. (Footnote: If Bidwill relocates to Mars, he likely would rehire Buddy Ryan, who currently resides there.) Pick: Colts.

Chiefs (-4-1/2) at Oilers

Chiefs coach Marty Schottenheimer has gone from Lin Elliott to Pete Stoyanovich as his kicker, which is similar to when Madonna went from Sean Penn to Warren Beatty as her lover. … Oilers’ office staff has offered to drive both Oilers season-ticket holders to all home games. Pick: Chiefs.

Patriots at Dolphins (-3-1/2)

Bowing to NFLPA pressure, Miami coach Jimmy Johnson will allow players two 5-minute coffee breaks during daily practices - one just before noon and one just before midnight. Pick: Dolphins.

Bills (-4) at Giants

Say what you will about Giants fans, but at least New Jersey’s finest were smart enough last December to throw ice onto field from nearby snow piles rather than from their boilermakers. Pick: Giants.

Falcons (-2-1/2) at Panthers

Carolina’s new home field now known as Ericsson Stadium, named for Swedish telecommunications firm. Frankly, I think Britt Ekland Park would’ve had a better ring to it. Pick: Panthers.

Packers (-6-1/2) at Buccaneers

Tampa Bay’s home field now known as Houlihan’s Stadium, named for restaurant chain run by Buccaneers owner Malcolm Glazer. It’s a good thing he doesn’t run Hooters. Pick: Buccaneers.

Seahawks at Chargers (-4)

Ted Koppel visited Chargers practice Tuesday morning, found absolutely nothing of interest and went back to Washington Tuesday afternoon. Pick: Chargers.

Eagles at Redskins (-2)

To boost reserve QB Heath Shuler’s morale, Redskins coach Norv Shuler ordered teammates to refer to him as an “understudy.” Pick: Redskins.

Raiders at Ravens (-2)

In search of more team speed after trading WR Rocket Ismail, Raiders owner Al Davis left message with Johnny Weismuller’s agent Thursday. Pick: Ravens.

Lions at Vikings (-3)

Lions coach Wayne Fontes lost 30 pounds in offseason. But he can’t get the weight of whiny radio callers off his shoulders. Pick: Lions.

Jets at Broncos (-9)

In lieu of pregame pep talks this season, Jets coach Rich Kotite now prepares “concession speech” for halftime. Pick: Broncos.

Steelers (-4) at Jaguars

Tom Coughlin and Andre Rison in Jacksonville? Like that’s not an oil spill waiting to happen. Pick: Steelers.

Saints at 49ers (-11-1/2)

Bill Walsh is a ‘90s guy: 49ers’ first 15 plays Sunday will be result of chat room survey. Pick: 49ers.

Bengals at Rams (-3)

At “tip drill” Tuesday, St. Louis CB Todd Lyght stiffed Red Lobster waitress. Pick: Bengals.