Imaginary Friend Isn’t A Problem

Q. Our 3-year-old daughter, Courtney, has developed an imaginary playmate named Jennifer and the time she spends in fantasy is beginning to worry us. Courtney plays with Jennifer whenever she’s in her room, which is fairly often.

We read that imaginary playmates are a substitute for more satisfying social relationships, but Courtney spends three mornings a week in a preschool program and her teachers tell us she gets along well with the other children.

Our concern is that Courtney seems to be preoccupied with Jennifer. She talks about her frequently and tells us what they do together.

Once, when we tried to explain to her that Jennifer wasn’t real, Courtney became upset and it took us quite a while to settle her back down.

Could her preoccupation with Jennifer eventually cause Courtney to have problems distinguishing between reality and fantasy?

A. Absolutely not! It’s typical for 3-year-olds to invent imaginary playmates. The brighter and more creative the child, the more likely an imaginary playmate becomes.

Concerning what you read about imaginary playmates, I can only imagine it was something written in the heyday of Freudian psychology.

In any case, imaginary playmates are not substitutes for more satisfying social relationships. Rather, imaginary playmates allow the young child to practice social behavior in a nonthreatening context.

Prior to age 3 or thereabouts, children don’t really socialize with one another. In groups, you’ll find them playing parallel to one another, but rarely do they interact except to defend their territories or raid someone else’s for a toy.

Three marks the beginning of a true social life with other children of the same age. To successfully relate to peers, the child must learn a new set of social rules.

The old rules - the ones that apply to relationships with parents and siblings - don’t quite work with one’s peers, so the young child invents an imaginary playmate (or playmates) to help her learn and practice the new rules.

Adults do almost the same thing when they “rehearse” in private for an upcoming, somewhat anxiety-arousing event, such as a job interview.

The young child, because thought and action are almost one and the same during the preschool years, tends to be much more dramatic than the contemplative adult, but the two situations are much the same, nonetheless.

Researchers have found that children who have or have had imaginary playmates are generally more successful in their relationships with peers.

They are able to give and take and are more socially assertive than children who never had a fantasy companion.

To an adult’s way of thinking Jennifer isn’t real, but to Courtney, Jennifer is not only quite “real,” but the friendship is absolutely indispensable. And I agree with her.

Believe me, there’s absolutely no danger that Courtney will spend the rest of her life carrying on conversations with people who aren’t there. Someday within the next year or two, when Courtney feels socially secure, Jennifer will quietly disappear.

xxxx