Fix-It Truism: Headaches Part Of The Bargain

I’ve been breathing in paint remover for about four hours now, and I’m inspired. That is, I’m inspired in spite of the paint remover, which has given me a rip-roaring headache.

I hear some teenagers like to inhale this stuff to get high. Wow - that’s dumb. I’d rather eat gravel than sniff this stuff for recreation.

I use it only as often as necessary to remove paint, which works out to be about once every two or three years. And I make sure my work area is well-ventilated.

As I do this mindless work, I have time to review some basic truths about handymen and handywomen doing old house work:

Paint the floor, and the cat will walk through it.

Get well into a project - far up on the roof or up to your elbows in paint - and the phone will ring. It will be a wrong number.

You will figure out the best “system” for doing a job just as you finish the last board.

The tool you need is in the basement, in the garage or in the attic, whichever is farthest from you.

The nearest electrical outlet is 6 inches beyond the end of your extension cord.

The project will never be finished. Never.

Halfway through the project, you will swear to never, ever do this again. Years later, maybe even days or hours later, you will do it again.

If it’s painting, the brush filled with dark blue paint will slip and hit the white ceiling. At least one drop, and probably more, will hit the one square inch of floor that is not covered with newspaper.

If it’s plumbing, the piece of pipe next to the one you are trying to fix will break. When you try to fix that one, the one next to it will break. Soon, the entire house has new plumbing.

No matter what the job, it will take twice as much time and three times more money than you planned.

The paint you need to touch up one square foot of exterior trim has been discontinued.

How-to magazines and columns (except this one) make it sound easier than it is.

Vinyl siding is never the answer, no matter what how-to magazines and columns (except this one) will tell you.

Plumbing installed by a do-it-yourselfer will leak - the first time, anyway.

Measure once, cut twice.

Professionals hate us, until the moment they gleefully hand us the bill for undoing one of our messes.

Never trust a hardware clerk under 30.

Never trust a hardware clerk who says, “Uh, it’s not exactly the same part, but it will work. Trust me.”

When in doubt, improvise.

If it doesn’t fit, get a bigger hammer.

Reading directions or calling professionals is always a last resort.