How About It Beats Going To Jail?

Dear Miss Manners: Please tell me why is it necessary when in court for all to rise when the judge approaches his bench. The judge is an attorney in most cases, but I disrespect attorneys. Please give me some light on this matter.

Gentle Reader: Do you respect the rule of law?

Miss Manners is aware that the answer to this may explain what you may be doing in court. However, it is not a matter about which the citizens of a society ruled by law are given a choice. They not only are punished if they disobey the law, but if they fail to show it respect.

Not meaning to libel you and thus end up in court herself, Miss Manners hastens to add that she is not suggesting that your objections indicate any propensity to lawlessness. Rather, she thinks they have to do with a failure to understand the symbolism that a presiding judge embodies.

Whatever the judge is, personally or professionally, is irrelevant. When presiding over a case, he or she represents the state’s judicial system, not to say the majesty of the law, which must be respected in order to work at all.

This is why courtroom etiquette is not optional, the way street etiquette is, for example - however inadvisable it may be to go around showing disrespect to citizens on the street. So if you need a less idealistic reason than Miss Manners has supplied for rising when the judge enters - it is that if you don’t, the judge will get you on contempt of court.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband collects frequent-flyer miles through trips for his job, and for the past few years we have been giving free tickets to my mother and her friend (who always travels with her) to come visit us. Both of them are in their 70s and live on fixed incomes. We use the rest of the tickets for our own trips.

My mother’s sister, who lives in the same town as my mother, has occasionally hinted that she would like to travel here and never gets to go anywhere. I felt uncomfortable when she said this, and never invited her or offered her free tickets.

Now her daughter, my cousin, has directly asked my mother if she could get a free ticket to come out here to visit. I said to inform her that we are running out of frequent-flyer coupons and don’t have any to spare. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Do you have a good response to let these people know that their requests and hints are very poor manners?

I only see these relatives once a year when I go to visit my mother. We never talk on the phone or write. To be honest, I don’t want them to visit, or I would have invited them a long time ago.

Gentle Reader: It is, indeed, poor manners to ask for handouts. But it is worse manners to point out to one’s aunt and cousin (or anyone else) that they have bad manners. Fortunately, Miss Manners suspects you can accomplish the same thing at little risk by being supergracious instead.

Write your aunt saying how surprised and delighted you were to hear she wants to visit - having seen so little of her, you really feel that you don’t know her all that well. Unfortunately, you can’t give her a ticket (it is no more necessary to explain why than to explain how you spend your income), but you are sure that this will not stand in her way.

Given your account of the situation, Miss Manners feels sure that it will. You will then have the satisfaction of being exquisitely polite as well as of being free.

Of course, you will be really annoyed with Miss Manners should the ticketless invitation be accepted. So she will only briefly suggest this might lead to a pleasant relationship with your relatives - and then give you full permission to enter into endless negotiations over a date.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate