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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

January Just Isn’t Marty’s Best Month

Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist

Woe is coach Marty Schottenheimer in the month of January.

He is fourth among active NFL coaches in victories, 16th on the all-time list. He is first among active coaches (with Don Shula’s retirement) in winning percentage. He has gone to the playoffs more often than any other NFL head coach since taking over the Cleveland Browns in 1984.

And, still, he couldn’t find the Super Bowl with a Goodyear Blimp.

In the history of the league, only one man - Chuck Knox - has coached more victories than Schottenheimer without ever reaching an NFL title game. Knox coached 22 years, Schottenheimer is completing his 12th. Knox took two franchises (Rams and Seahawks) to conference championship games a total of four times; Schottenheimer has taken two franchises (Browns, Chiefs) to conference championship games a total of three times.

With a Kansas City Chiefs victory Sunday against Indianapolis, Schottenheimer, for a fourth time, would be within a step of the Super Bowl. He can see from here to Tempe, but history says he won’t get there.

With Cleveland, Schottenheimer suffered playoff losses four consecutive years by five points or less, including AFC title-game setbacks of 23-20 and 38-33 to the Denver Broncos following the 1986 and ‘87 seasons. With Kansas City, he’s faltered five straight years in postseason, including a 30-13 defeat to the Buffalo Bills in the 1993 AFC title game.

Schottenheimer’s been the bridesmaid so often, he’s actually starting to look like Susan Lucci.

This might be his best Super Bowl shot. After all, Kansas City has the league’s best record and Schottenheimer just needs two victories at Arrowhead Stadium - where the Chiefs are 8-0 this season - to get there. But remember: He’s depending on a career backup at quarterback (Steve Bono), a 35-year-old running back (Marcus Allen) and - most critically - a place kicker with Lin Elliott tendencies (Lin Elliott).

Here’s hoping Schottenheimer doesn’t end up wide right of Sun Devil Stadium.

(Unexpected Sam Wyche note: The recently deposed, always innovative Tampa Bay benevolent dictator and Schottenheimer have careers that mirror one another. Both began coaching in 1984 and both have guided two teams. Wyche is 87-109 with two playoff appearances in 12 seasons; Schottenheimer is 121-75-1 with 10 playoff appearances in 12 seasons. Yet, tragically, even Wyche - after the 1988 season - has made it to the Super Bowl and Schottenheimer has not.)

As for the remainder of this Super Bowl tournament, in an NFL season that has been filled with improbability, I am taking a tack that no other prognosticator in America will have the gumption to take: From here on in, I’m backing ALL underdogs in every remaining playoff game inclusive of Super Bowl XXX.

Why not? I’ve already declared that the best team, Dallas, will not - and cannot - win the title and that an AFC team finally will win it all. I smell upsets, and even if my sense of smell is a bit askew, I’ll still take the points. The more underdogs that cover the spread, the more time The Man will be snorkling off the Caymans come February while the rest of you losers are watching Canucks-Whalers games on ESPN2.

As always - and, please note, the following preview has been approved for all audiences - the forthcoming picks are for recreational purposes only:

Bills at Steelers (-6)

Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher is Marty Schottenheimer East: All he does is win each regular season, then lose painfully each postseason. Buffalo coach Marv Levy is Bud Grant Redux: In the ‘70s, Grant was 0-4 in Super Bowls with the Vikings; in the ‘90s, Levy is 0-4 in Super Bowls with the Bills. Unless you’re made of stone - and the last time I checked, I’m made of money - you have to be hoping either Cowher or Levy (if not Schottenheimer) winds up this playoff season without a defeat. Pick: Bills.

Packers at 49ers (-10)

This is the sexiest, sassiest matchup of the weekend. This is such a good game, I’ll watch it in its entirety while standing up and - each time Green Bay scores - I’ll jump head-first into my beanbag chair to pay homage to Packers players, who will be unable to execute their celebratory move on the road. (Note: If Robert Brooks does leap into the 3Com Park stands, I believe he will come back out without his pants on.) Pick: Packers.

Eagles at Cowboys (-14)

I want to believe this is the Cowboys’ Last Stand, I want to believe this is where Dallas’ money train derails, I want to believe the Eagles can duplicate their Texas Stadium triumph of a month ago. But in my dreams - and The Man does sleep for 90 minutes nightly - I keep seeing Dallas defensive backs catching Rodney Peete passes and prancing downfield, so I’ll just take the points and pray. Pick: Eagles.

Colts at Chiefs (-8-1/2)

To win it all, the Colts will have to execute a postseason run in which they win AT San Diego, AT Kansas City, AT Buffalo or Pittsburgh, then beat Green Bay, Dallas or San Francisco in Super Bowl XXX. Unlikely, you say? Then again, Montel Williams IS Matt Waters. Pick: Colts.

Last week: 1-3.

Season record: 119-114-8.