It Is Most Wise To Be Circumspect

Dear Miss Manners: Sometimes the unflattering appellation “trophy wife” is quietly used to describe a woman who has at last achieved marital status to a wealthy and usually older man.

Then there are those who simply “live in,” while ostensibly waiting for the marriage invitations. I frankly feel such a person has already been passed over - yes?

Unfortunately for those of us who are the employed help, these ladies feel the need to assuage their insecurity by directing us and generally putting the household in turmoil while attempting to flaunt an air of importance.

Is there anything polite one can say when termination is imminent?

Gentle Reader: Whose termination? It seems to Miss Manners more likely that a gentleman would be willing to let one of these unpleasant ladies go than risk losing good household help, which is considerably harder to replace. If he is, however, allowing you to be fired, Miss Manners begs you -for the sake of manners, but incidentally because you may find you need references - not to indulge in a parting shot. Whether the rudeness displayed is from arrogance, insecurity, or the inexperience of youth, it is not something you want to emulate.

Oh, all right, at least a polite parting shot. How about a pleasant “I look forward to hearing of your marriage” to the mistresses, and an equally pleasant, “I hope you are able to find someone who pleases you” to the wives?

Dear Miss Manners: On most tables, the debris strewn about - tea bags, envelopes for sweeteners, cracker wrappers, etc. - is revolting. In some countries, a waste bowl is furnished. Why could we not do that here?

Gentle Reader: You don’t think that a trash basket in the middle of a dining table is revolting?

Well, Miss Manners does. She doesn’t much care for trash, either, which is why she believes that food should be unwrapped before it is served. When she runs smack into health regulations demanding the opposite, she at least prefers that the trash be quietly tucked to one side, rather than enshrined as a centerpiece.

Dear Miss Manners: I went to my friend’s boss’s wedding, and my friend made me feel we should bring them a wedding gift, the cost of which we would split.

The couple are both in their 50s, and this was a second marriage for both of them. They are both very well off, she from her previous husband, he from his business. They lack for nothing.

I, on the other hand, am young and broke. But I went to where they were registered and the china they had chosen was very expensive. Feeling I had no choice, I bought a piece.

At the 6 p.m. reception, I was shocked to find there was to be no sit-down dinner, only a stand-up gathering for about an hour with really terrible hors d’oeuvres, after which the bride and groom left with a small party to dine elsewhere.

Am I wrong to feel almost used?

Gentle Reader: Wrong to think of a wedding as if it were a business deal and to calculate that in trading expensive china for less than a full dinner, you have been cheated?

Why ever would you imagine that Miss Manners would take issue with that?

Unfortunately, she can almost understand how you arrived at this unpleasant conclusion. Having been included at the wedding of people who meant absolutely nothing to you, you could hardly have been expected to be overcome with sentiments proper to wedding guests - delight in being there, and spontaneous generosity towards the couple.

Only people who can be reasonably expected to feel this way - or who are obliged by family ties to fake it - should be invited to a wedding. This rarely includes employees, but it should never include strangers unless they come along as spouses.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate