Councilman Stars In Dante’s Film: Excuses From Hell

In a bizarre videotape that aired during Monday’s Spokane City Council meeting, Chris Anderson explains why he abandoned the voters to drive an equipment truck on the “Dante’s Peak” movie set.

“The $18,000-a-year salary paid to council members isn’t enough to support a family,” sniffs the councilman, who says he’ll be working in Wallace for the next six to eight weeks.

But is this really what’s going on?

Thanks to my extensive contacts within the Hollywood community, I was able to get copies of all 29 of the other videotaped excuses Anderson dreamed up to explain away his disappearance.

Here are a few of the best:

Lame Excuse, take 13

Anderson stands in the middle of the Wallace movie set. His hair is slicked back. He wears a silk dressing gown and smokes a pipe. A gold chain dangles around his neck.

Anderson (grinning):

“Chris ‘I Wanna Be In Pictures’ Anderson here. As you probably noticed, the Chris-Man hasn’t been gracing you with his presence lately. Well, that’s cuz I’m co-starring with Pierce ‘Double-Oh-Seven’ Brosnan in “Dante’s Peak,” a sure-fire action blockbuster.

Brosnan suddenly wanders by, obviously startled by Anderson’s presence on the set.

Brosnan (clipped British voice rising in anger):

“Hey, what are you doing here? Aren’t you that bloody truck driver?”

Anderson (simpering): “Yessir, Mr. Brosnan, sir. Sorry, sir. I’ll get out of your way, sir.”

Brosnan (yelling now):

“You get your lazy arse down to the Safeway. Bring me back three diet Dr. Peppers and a pound of blue M&Ms. No red ones like last time!”

Anderson slinks away, dropping his pipe. The actor, pulling out a pocket mirror, examines his handsome profile.

Brosnan (muttering to himself): “Who hires these bleeding fops?”

Lame Excuse, take 17

Dressed in camouflage gear including face paint, Anderson hunkers down in a desolate field.

Anderson (whispering):

“As you know, my fellow council members, I have taken a considerable leave of absence from public duty. Because of all those dirty reporters snooping around, I now must inform you that I am really on a secret mission to locate a site for our next City Council retreat.”

The camera pans back, revealing the abandoned freemen ranch near Jordan, Mont.

Anderson (rising):

“This looks like a perfect location. I’m going in at 0900 hours. I might be holed up for several months. I’ll send a coded message to tell you when it’s safe to join me. This is agent Anderson. Over and out.”

Lame Excuse, take 26

Anderson wears a pith helmet and jodhpurs. He cradles a shotgun and stands in a grove of pine trees.

Anderson (scanning the horizon):

“With reports of a lion roaming the Spokane area, I thought it best to take an extensive leave of absence to protect my loyal constituents from this savage beast.”

A gut-churning growl is heard off-camera. The councilman fires his scatter gun.

Anderson (running):

“My gawd, it’s after me. Save yourselves. Ahhhrrrrggggghh!!!”

Lame Excuse, take 28

A red-eyed Anderson faces the camera.

Anderson (nose running):

“I can’t pretend any more. I’m a complete loser. A chronic whiner. All I do is cause trouble and argue with the other council members. My ego’s bigger than the Paulsen Building. I don’t deserve this office. It’s best, sob, for the public, sob, if I just stay away.”

The councilman takes a deep breath. He composes himself.

Anderson (addressing the unseen camera man):

“Cut, Charlie. We can’t use this one. I can’t start telling the truth now. Too painful. Hey, I know. Let’s try one about my salary being too damn low. I’ll sit in front of a fireplace like I’m giving a presidential chat. Yeah, that’ll work.”

Fade to black.

, DataTimes