A Few Clues To Spotting Spokanites

With all apologies to Jeff Foxworthy and his “You might be a redneck if…” franchise, I hereby present “You might be a Spokanite if…”:

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was to the State “B” basketball tournament.

You might be a Spokanite if you ever said you were going to “the coast,” and you meant Federal Way.

You might be a Spokanite if your favorite professional sports team consists of 17-year-olds.

You might be a Spokanite if you honeymooned at the Coeur d’Alene Tribal Bingo Casino.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was dutch treat at “Pig Out in the Park.”

You might be a Spokanite if you think the city’s cross-state rival is uppity, snobbish and rich, and you are referring to Tacoma.

You might be a Spokanite if you go to the symphony mainly to hang over the railing and spot people you went to high school with.

You might be a Spokanite if you think a Ford F-250 pickup truck is a “luxury car.”

You might be a Spokanite if you have ever taken a weekend getaway to Moscow, Idaho.

You might be a Spokanite if the address of your “summer place” is Space 4-D.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was carbo-loading at the Old Spaghetti Factory.

You might be a Spokanite if your favorite author is the guy who compiles the weekly fish-ladder statistics.

You might be a Spokanite if you have ever become choked up with emotion upon seeing the golden spires of Eastern Washington University.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was to the Big Horn Outdoors Show, where your boyfriend tried out turkey calls.

You might be a Spokanite if you have ever called in sick to go snowmobiling.

You might be a Spokanite if you have completed every Bloomsday and have never once broken into a trot.

You might be a Spokanite if you have ever been jealous of Pullman.

You might be a Spokanite if a snowstorm prevented you from getting to work, so you spent the day at Schweitzer instead.

You might be a Spokanite if you’ve ever spent the night in your pickup, and you weren’t even camping.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was to the Free Meat Sale at Les Schwab.

You might be a Spokanite if you are lured by the wild romance in the words “channeled scablands.”

You might be a Spokanite if you have ever referred to Minnesota as “back east.”

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was to price snowblowers.

You might be a Spokanite if your fiance proposed to you during halftime of the Rubber Chicken game.

You might be a Spokanite if you think Langlauf is more important than the Super Bowl.

You might be a Spokanite if you honeymooned at the Lincoln $10,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Motel.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was the Spokane Indians 50-Cent Feast Night.

You might be a Spokanite if you consummated your marriage somewhere between Usk and Cusick, but you can’t remember exactly where.

You might be a Spokanite if you believe that the new Arena was built for one reason: George Strait.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you had all year was the dollar movie at the Garland, and all the popcorn you could eat.

You might be a Spokanite if you have ever been to a wedding reception at Dick’s (“Burgers Buy the Bagfull”).

You might be a Spokanite if you never even expect spring to begin until June.

You might be a Spokanite if the hottest date you’ve had all year was a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and the goat-judging competition at the Spokane Interstate Fair.

, DataTimes