Cheap Seats

Your money or your slice

There’s a new hazard on the 16th hole at Shelby Park, a municipal golf course in Nashville, Tenn. Thieves have been jumping out of the weeds along a railroad track and sticking up golfers at gunpoint. There have been two robberies and one attempted robbery since April 30 - and no arrests.

“It’s the most unusual happening in my 30 years at the parks,” said Metro Parks director Jim Fyke.

Usually the stickups occur in the pro shop.

More cheap Schotts from Marge

If you haven’t had enough of Marge Schott, the latest Sports Illustrated has 11 more pages of Marge-inations.

“I think somebody is trying to get me out, honey,” the Reds owner told SI’s Rick Reilly regarding her plummeting popularity. “It’s a kind of vendetta against me, honey. It’s kind of like a woman thing.”

More likely it’s a Hitler thing, or a sending used flowers to the umpires thing or any number of things that come out of Marge’s mouth. Just consider what she told Reilly:

- After seeing several teenage Asian-Americans, she said: “Well, I don’t like it when they come here, honey, and stay so long and then outdo our kids. That’s not right.”

- Recounting a meeting with Japanese prime minister Kiichi Miyazawa, Schott, using what SI called a “cartoonish Japanese accent,” said: “He says, ‘No want Cadirrac, no want Rincoln, want Mosh Shott Boo-ick.”’

The magazine reported that General Motors has tried twice to take away Schott’s Chevy dealership because of poor sales. SI said a former Reds employee received ownership notices and a service reminder for a vehicle he said he has never seen. Schott denied falsifying records to meet sales quotas.

She also criticized 1990 World Series MVP Jose Rijo, sidelined by elbow surgery.

“There’s what’s-his-name, honey - the guy I’m paying $3 million a year to sit on his butt,” she said.

Said Rijo: “She got it wrong. It’s $6 million.”

And a make-believe Chevy.

Your mother wears Red Army shoes

The Colorado Avalanche one-upped the Chicago Blackhawks on and off the ice in their recent NHL series. When Jeremy Roenick complained he should have received a penalty shot in Game 4, Avalanche goalie Patrick Roy replied, “I don’t care if he got a penalty shot. I would have stopped him anyway.”

Roenick fired back, “I just want to know where he was in Game 3 (won by Chicago, 4-3, in overtime). Probably getting his jock out of the stands or out of the rafters of the United Center.”

The parting shot, courtesy Roy: “I can’t really hear what Jeremy says because I got my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears.”

Guess the ball really is juiced

Tammy Holmes became the first woman to homer in a professional baseball game last week, hitting an inside-the-park grand slam to help the Colorado Silver Bullets beat the Atlanta Mustangs 14-11. The Bullets had gone 3,055 plate appearances without a homer.

And, no, she didn’t hit it off Bobby Ayala.

The last word …

“I’ve been hitting a lot of sacrifice flies. There just hasn’t been anybody on third base.”

- Minnesota outfielder Denny Hocking, hitting .158

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo