Big Response Was A Surprise
Dear Ann Landers: “Silently Weeping in Kansas” wrote to you about finding condoms in her husband’s wallet and pornography in his desk after he died. You then printed a letter signed “Forty Years of Excuses in Anchorage” from a reader claiming the reason a man looks elsewhere for sexual satisfaction is because the wife is always saying “no.” I’m here to tell you that is a lot of bull. You owe it to women like me to print my letter.
My husband and I are divorced after more than 25 years of marriage. We were considered the perfect couple. Our home was beautiful, and we had two wonderful children. Even now, everyone thinks I am crazy for letting him go.
During all the years we were married, my husband would hide in the bathroom for hours with pornographic magazines. I walked in on him dozens of times after we had gone to bed and caught him masturbating. Every time it happened, I tried harder to be what I thought he wanted in a sex partner. I let him know I was willing to do whatever he wanted, however, whenever and wherever.
For years, I thought if I could satisfy his sexual needs, he wouldn’t want the pornography. Well, Ann, I was wrong. In addition to the garbage reading, I learned he was seeing other women. I knew the identity of two, but I would bet there were dozens.
The problem is not the wives, it’s the warped minds of these men. I always was ready and willing, but my husband was a nut case. I concluded it’s his loss and have stopped asking myself, “Where did I fail?” - Free At Last in Ohio
Dear Free: I didn’t expect such an avalanche of letters from women who share the problem. What follows is an affirmation from Houston:
Dear Ann Landers: I read the responses to the letter from “Silently Weeping,” who found condoms and pornography among her husband’s belongings after he died. I had a similar experience, though my husband of 10 years is very much alive - except in the bedroom with me.
Most men reading this would say I’m to blame for our sexless marriage, but here’s the real scenario:
He’s a workaholic. His job is more important than his family. When he doesn’t bring work home, he finds something to do that doesn’t include me.
If there’s a sporting event on TV, at any hour, he has to watch. I don’t recall the last time we had a real conversation. He gives me little or no physical affection. We have intercourse less than once every two months.
After putting up with this shabby treatment for too many years, I separated myself from this man emotionally. He wonders what is “wrong” with me and why I am so depressed all the time.
I’m in my mid-40s, am considered attractive and always have kept a trim figure. I’m tired of living with a man whose idea of good sex is looking at pictures of 20-year-old siliconed bimbos. I’m seriously thinking of leaving him. I feel so lonely and empty and am too young to live this way. - No Name in Houston
Dear Houston: When I read the word “depressed,” a light bulb lit up in my head. I’m not suggesting that you are the problem, but I do hope that you’ll get some counseling and your therapist will insist on some joint sessions with your husband. You are suffering from emotional malnutrition and should not have to live like this. P.S. There are now some excellent drugs for depression. Does your doctor know this?