Left Standing At The Altar Jazz Seem To Be Pulling Usual Postseason Cold-Feet Act

The Jazz are doing it to their fans again. Here it is late May, with a June NBA Finals wedding tantalizingly close to fruition. The invitations are in the mail and the Jazz are getting cold feet.

It’s like the parson has implored of the assemblage, “Does anyone object to the uniting of this couple?” and some of the Jazz have risen - half-risen anyway - in dissent.

Jazz fans must be screaming, “Don’t do this to us again!” Don’t take us all the way to a Game 6 at home and screw it up, like against Portland in the 1992 Western Conference finals.

Don’t win at home like in Game 3 against Houston in 1994 and drag us into the realm of the inevitable, the faithful must be thinking. After all, this franchise is 0-7 in conference finals road games.

If you’re going to lose this session to Seattle, then just get it over with Friday and Sunday. Four games and out. No problem. Who would be around to object?

After all, you gave it the 110 percent effort in Seattle Monday night. When all the world figured you were dead meat after a 30-point drubbing Saturday, there you were, pushing the whining, illegal zone-playing Sonics to the final seconds in a 91-87 loss.

Well, almost all of you.

And that brings us back to the Games 3 and 4 mail-in suggestion. Back to the angst-solving solution of allowing the Sonics an early reservation for their appointed sacrifice at the stake in Chicago. A date, by the way, they might as well stand up.

Let’s cut to the chase. The Jazz have reverted to a three-man team in a seven-man world.

As Karl Malone, John Stockton and Jeff Hornacek continue to punch their time cards, the rest of the roster is taking sick leave.

Oh, there has been a time or two the past three weeks when a Jazzman has earned his keep. A Bryon Russell here, a Chris Morris there. Even an Antoine Carr or Adam Keefe one-night stand.

But million-dollar stuff? Nah, two-bit stuff.

The Jazz’s small-forward shortcoming escaped detection in the first-round Portland series because the focus was on the two power spots. And against San Antonio, Spurs small forward Sean Elliott disappeared, for some inexplicable reason.

This is an ongoing Jazz joke. They pinned their hopes on David Benoit with a multi-million contract after the 1992 playoffs. How amusing. In 22 minutes Monday, Benoit had as many fouls (four) as points. And only two rebounds. Reserve Bryon Russell got your hopes up, didn’t he, with a couple of big games against the Spurs. Monday against Seattle, zero points and one rebound.

Morris? What a waste of pure athletic talent. He has blown the best NBA opportunity he’ll ever get a $2 million chance with folks who tried their damndest to clean up his New Jersey alley act. His reaction? An almost total disregard for authority.

The Jazz have been plagued by two ugly warts in the past five years. A cure for either could have launched them into the NBA finals.

First, they have no one willing to step up and cause physical mayhem, like for instance (egads) The Worm in Chicago or even the Sonics’ Frank (The Slug) Brickowski. Remember Monday when “Slug” cut Stockton in half with a forearm shiver? Do the Jazz have an enforcer? Nah. Oh, Jerry Sloan, but his eligibility has expired.

Jazz blight No. 2? Small forward. Five million bucks a year and no production later, it is as profoundly disgusting and disappointing as it was five years ago.

So, rather than let fans grovel over maybe one win in this Sonics series, just go meekly, you Jazzmen. Let Kemp, Schrempf, Brickowski and a lug named Ervin Johnson jump over your backs. And by all means, don’t stuff an elbow into the mouth of trash-talking Sonics guard Gary Payton.

Speak softly and carry a small stick. Four games and out. A $41,000 playoff check to each of you. Really, who would complain? Other than Malone, Stockton and Hornacek.