Gift Packaging Is Part Of The Present

Dear Miss Manners: As I’m sure you are aware, a lot of people these days are forgoing the traditional gift wrap for decorative bags. I have no problem with these bags - my problem lies with the cheap people who ask for the bags back once the gift has been removed.

I’m all for recycling, but I find this practice rude. I’m sure gift-giving etiquette does not condone this.

Is saving a couple of dollars worth being looked at as a cheapskate - not only by the hostess, but by the other guests?

Gentle Reader: Apparently to some people, it is. Why save your reputation when it requires letting go of a paper bag?

Miss Manners has no doubt that they would argue that they are indeed being generous - to the environment, future generations, whatever. But as a present and all its trappings exchange ownership when given, their subsequent use is for the new owner to decide.

What you describe would be like giving a friend a sweater, snatching it back on the grounds that it would better be given to some poor person who doesn’t have one, and then expecting a double credit of virtue - for pleasing a friend with a present and for helping the downtrodden.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the traditional and the modern (today’s) etiquette for the parents of the prospective groom toward the future in-laws?

Gentle Reader: It used to be a social relationship and now it’s a financial relationship.

No, wait. Miss Manners thought you meant modern practice, not modern etiquette.

There are only two legitimate changes in the obligations of a bridegroom’s parents:

1. Where they were once expected to call on the bride’s parents in person as soon as they were informed of the engagement, they are now permitted to indicate their pleasure by telephone or letter (e-mail being considered a bit too casual for such an important occasion). The traditional rule was based on the expectation that a gentleman would naturally want to marry the young lady next door, so it wasn’t far for his parents to travel.

2. Whereas the wedding used to be the entire responsibility of the bride’s family, the bridegroom’s family now exerts itself to the extent of being hosts at some auxiliary function, usually the rehearsal dinner.

Otherwise, their job is the same as always: To grit their teeth and claim that all arrangements made are, like the bride, perfectly lovely.

Dear Miss Manners: I take my young son to church a few times each year so that he can make up his own mind, but I have no interest in religion myself.

For some unknown reason, my dentist told my real estate agent that I’m a very religious person. So now, in an effort to please her client, the agent brings religion into our business discussions - “Sunday is the Lord’s day, so let’s have your open house on Saturday.”

To make matters worse, my real estate agent then told my tax accountant, so now, in an effort to please his client, he brings religion into our business discussions - “What does God want you to do in this case?”

All of this piety is driving me crazy. Short of moving to another town, how can I stop it?

Gentle Reader: With a modest principle of manners that fits right in with the moral principle you advocate.

You believe that one should be allowed to make up one’s own mind about religion. Miss Manners believes that one should be allowed to make up one’s own mind about whether one wishes to discuss one’s religion or, as the case may be, its absence.

Although these people are not exactly proposing a theological discussion, you may treat their remarks as such and reply firmly, “I don’t discuss religion.” No doubt some will think this further evidence of your extreme piety, but at least they will no longer trouble you.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate