All’s Ferrets In Love And War

‘Ever watch ferrets having sex?”

I nearly cough out my molars at the kinky question fired at me by the woman with strawberry-blond hair during our tour of her cage-filled barn.

“Hey, I’m an open-minded guy,” I tell her, “but I draw the line at …”

Before I can stammer out the rest, she launches into a discourse on ferret mating rites, which, if you want my opinion, sound a lot like a mugging, only with more screaming.

“What I’m saying,” she concludes, “is if you’ve got company over for dinner and your ferrets start doing it, well, it’s just the most embarrassing thing in the world.”

Jean Smith, 49, knows waaay too much about ferrets.

There often are a dozen of the long furry noodles scooting around the carpets of the “House of Ferrets” a few miles north of Spokane.

In the barn behind the double-wide mobile home, another 110 critters wait their turn to go inside for a romp.

Smith’s obsession is total.

She knows each ferret by name and devotes most of her waking hours to bathing, feeding and patiently teaching the animals to behave like responsible citizens. Three times a year, during birthing seasons, Smith spends 14 hours a day playing ferret midwife.

“Vacations and weekend breaks are unheard of,” says the professional ferret wrangler who has raised and trained 4,000 of the animals during her 23 years in this offbeat trade.

“My whole world is ferrets. They’re the love of my life.”

According to Smith, ferrets have dethroned potbellied pigs as the pet du jour for affluent hipsters. She estimates 2,000 ferret owners live in the Spokane area. There even is a “Ferret Rescue,” run by a former Humane Society worker who cares for sick and stray ferrets.

Some ferrets Smith has sold have gone to long-haul truckers, who take their pets along for the ride. Others go to loggers and housewives. One North Idaho restaurateur, Smith says, ferries his ferret around in a luxury Lincoln.

Depending on the color, a quality ferret will cost $100 to $150.

But there is a dark side to the beasties. That cute, cuddly disposition comes at a bloody price.

“I look like a junkie - I’ve got so many holes in my arms,” declares Smith.

Ferrets are, by nature, fearless, savage fighters. In a heartbeat, an untrained ferret can become a snarling creature whose needle-sharp fangs will turn your flesh into hamburger.

Smith was showing her stock to a couple of prospective ferret buyers one day when the ferret she was holding suddenly went into attack mode. By the time she had pried the animal off her hands, “there was blood dripping everywhere.”

Amazingly, she quickly adds, the couple took a ferret home.

Another drawback is that ferrets exude a musky stench that, believe me, will never be mistaken for Chanel No. 5.

The strange animals are cousins to skunks and weasels, commonly known to Latin scholars as the genus “Christophus Andersonius.” My apologies to the ferrets.

But when de-scented and behaving properly, ferrets make delightful, impish pets that create all kinds of hilarious hi-jinks.

“Henry chewed a hole in my $3,000 Ethan Allen couch,” reports a not-so-amused Alethea McCann. The South Hill ferret owner says her husband, Dave, had to practically dismantle the pricey piece of furniture to retrieve the elusive Henry. “The couch was flying all over the room,” McCann adds.

Well, we can certainly see why we all should sell our dogs and buy one of these babies.

Smith’s ferret fanaticism began in the early 1970s when a friend dropped by with an animal she had never seen before.

“Oh, how cute!” she said, giving the pet a squeeze.

The ferret promptly chomped into her hand, drawing blood. “I just knew I had to have one,” recalls the proprietor of the “House of Ferrets.”

Yep, it was another case of love at first bite.

, DataTimes