J.R. Back In ‘Dallas’ For More Shenanigans

In “Dallas: J.R. Returns” (CBS at 9), J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman) attends his own funeral.

It seems appropriate. After all, when the series ended in 1991 a drunk J.R. had a pistol to his head and then - with Ewing off screen - a single shot rang out.

But this funeral has nothing to do with that. J.R. hightailed it to Paris instead of ending his wretched life.

Back home, his plot to regain control of Ewing Oil includes faking his death. He shocks the crowd at his memorial service by riding in on the back of a truck full of pigs.

Hagman, fresh liver and all, returns in the role that made “Dallas” one of the most-watched shows in television history. This long-awaited sequel recalls the glory days - if you ignore the wrinkles.

“J.R. Returns” is as good as it has to be, and we all know we’re not talking “Masterpiece Theatre” here. Fans will love it.

Hagman is reunited with Patrick Duffy, Ken Kercheval, Linda Gray, George Kennedy and Omri Katz. Tracy Scoggins shows up as J.R.’s new lover and partner in crime, Anita Smithfield.

Money apparently is a powerful aphrodisiac. J.R. must be about three times her age.

But she respects the man: “You know what turns me on about you? You make Machiavelli look like Mother Theresa.”

It’s been said that “Dallas” was a hit because it’s so pleasing to see someone as rich as J.R. lead such a miserable life.

Well, I don’t know about that. A man can change in five years. Tune in and find out what I mean.

Highlights

“The Lion’s Pride,” CBS at 8: CBS and the Discovery Channel co-produced this nature special narrated by Malcolm McDowell. Filmmakers followed a pride of lions for two years and studied the social ties that bind the magnificent cats.

“Family Matters,” ABC at 8: Now it’s Reginald VelJohnson’s turn to star in dual roles. In addition to Carl, he plays Urkel’s rich uncle, “Big Daddy” Urkel.

Jaleel White plays Big Daddy’s daughter Myrtle, who wants to marry Eddie (Darius McCrary).

“Dateline NBC,” NBC at 9: Among the scheduled stories, a segment on an Idaho prosecutor who is using a 75-year-old law forbidding fornication to punish pregnant teenagers.

“Homicide: Life on the Street,” NBC at 10: Don’t miss this stylish episode in which three murder investigations are portrayed from the point of view of the detectives as well as the victims’ families. Rosanna Arquette and Polly Holliday guest-star.

Cable Calls

“Basketball,” ESPN at 4: ESPN’s college basketball season tips off in top form with a pair of key matchups. The University of Connecticut meets Indiana, followed by Kentucky and Clemson.

“Home for the Holidays” (1995), SHOW at 8: Jodie Foster directed this engaging tale of a family struggling through Thanksgiving. Most people can relate to the complex love-hate relationships, and a fine cast makes it all come together.

Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft, Charles Durning, Robert Downey Jr., Dylan McDermott, Geraldine Chaplin, Steve Guttenberg and Claire Danes star.

Though hysterically funny at times, there’s a serious note running throughout this crisply written film based on a short story by Chris Randant.

“Strange Days” (1995), MAX at 8: Set in Los Angles in the final days of 1999, this violent and often unsettling film examines what life might be like when computer technology begins to create the ultimate virtual-reality thrills.

The computer-generated experiences are born deep in the human psyche - themes of desire and death that can titillate as well as disgust.

Ralph Fiennes, Angela Bassett and Juliette Lewis star in what many say is the most provocative film treatment of virtual reality to date.

“Mr. Show,” HBO at midnight: Back for a second season and wilder than ever. The half-hour’s best sketch, “Coupon: The Movie,” harpoons Hollywood executives.

Talk Time

“Tonight,” NBC at 11:35: Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey, Anthony Clark (“Boston Common”) and singer Lionel Richie.

“Late Show With David Letterman,” CBS at 11:35: From Chicago, Anthony Edwards (“ER”) and singer Natalie Cole.

“Late Night With Conan O’Brien,” NBC at 12:35 a.m.: Singer-musician Elton John and actor-director Bob Saget.