Want To Get Close? Bend The Head

Dear Miss Manners: Is there a proper way to drink from a drinking straw? I realize that in nicer restaurants, drinking straws are rare, but I am in college and would appreciate your help when the soda comes with a straw.

I have seen people leave their glass on the table and bend over to sip. Some hold their glass in one hand and their straw in the other, putting their fingers near their lips.

Gentle Reader: It is only proper to bend over a glass in order to drink from a straw when you are: 1. Drinking an ice-cream drink, something rich and gooey that goes by different names in different regions of the country.

2. In your teens.

3. Sharing the drink with someone on whom you have a crush.

4. Hoping that your heads will touch as you bend over the drink at the same time.

All of the circumstances must apply. For example, that is no way to drink liquor; you cannot do it to share iced decaf with someone you met at the single-seniors club, and it is a bad idea to find yourself in that position with someone you dislike and perhaps suspect of having metaphorical, if not actual, dandruff or head lice.

In those cases, the drink is lifted to the mouth. If the straw must be held, it is gripped one quarter of the way down from the mouth.

Dear Miss Manners: I am 82 years old and I do not know how my children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews should address me. I called my father “Dad,” my grandfather “Grandfather,” and my uncle, “Uncle John.”

I feel out of step with modern times. Please bring me up to date.

Gentle Reader: No amount of modernity will persuade Miss Manners to allow the children to make the etiquette decisions for their elders. You get to choose what you want them to call you: Modern times are supposed to get into step with you.

Miss Manners highly recommends using the titles of the relationships, or some affectionate diminutive of them. The concept of respect for elders has not been nullified, however much it may be ignored.

But as it is impossible for adults to pass themselves off as children’s equals, the choice is to insist on being treated as a superior or to accept being treated as an inferior.

Dear Miss Manners: Through the years, I have become very angry at people who don’t respond to my invitations, or respond at the last minute. Even when given an R.S.V.P. date, they often don’t let you know by that date.

However, recently I have realized that I quite honestly feel hurt when they don’t call me upon receiving the invitation and that may be my little hang-up. But it would be nice to know what is truly the correct way to handle this.

Gentle Reader: Oh, why don’t we just redefine all expectations of basic manners to be neurotic and Miss Manners will go take a nap. Probably in the river.

The way to handle an unanswered invitation is to telephone and inquire, “Did you get my invitation? I hope I can expect you for dinner Saturday.” You needn’t say this too warmly, as your previous warmth, in issuing an invitation, was ignored.

Dear Miss Manners: Will you please comment on people who whisper to each other - frequently and persistently when out with others?

Gentle Reader: Sorry, can’t hear.

Miss Manners agrees that it is rude to whisper in front of others, but must also point out that polite people don’t even hear that they are doing it. Polite but exasperated people keep on pretending not to hear when the whisperers speak up and, when challenged, say blandly, “Oh. I had no idea you were talking to me.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate