Huskies Will Be Wary Of Where They Step Saturday In Pullman

(From Replay, November 20, 1996): Washington State University student Regan Mosely said he has never run naked through the Pullman campus wearing only a bicycle helmet as reported in an Apple Cup parody by a University of Washington student.

Admittedly, we at the University of Washington create a lot of anti-WSU propaganda, especially when Apple Cup time rolls around.

A lot of nasty jokes seem to circulate the UW campus about WSU expanding its library to include a Dr. Seuss wing, or the science department offering class credit for what it calls “extracurricular distillation.”

This is purely propaganda. In fact, we at UW use this to build our confidence in light of the fierce challenge the Cougars present to our Huskies.

We just weren’t sure how it is Pullman is able to produce such a formidable football team so we took a small reconnaissance team to the WSU stomping grounds to do a little research.

After walking on the WSU campus it became unbearably clear that the hint of wild-animal influence saturated the air. Bears, squirrels and big horned sheep roamed the campus.

Strangely, students were seen walking cows from the outskirts of campus right down to the popular Cougar Den. Perhaps the wildest of the animals was Regan Mosely, a senior known to run naked through campus wearing only a bicycle helmet.

The strong animal presence suggested to us the Huskies are dealing with an opponent that is not entirely human.

Also, the Cougars’ spirit is one that UW hardly compares with. Every August before the school year starts, the Pullman population gathers to celebrate pride and unity at the annual Lentil Festival.

And in no way does the UW administration take as much time as WSU time to cultivate school spirit. It would appear that even the WSU liquor control board drops off hundreds of Happy Grams every week to boost Cougar moral.

Naturally, there was some speculation the success of the teams came from something in the beer.

Not that we were able to find anything in the local microbrews; it simply seemed inconceivable that anyone could consume as much as they did without failing to pass an auto emissions test let alone a breathalizer.

We suspected the local brews may carry some special hormone. It was the name that tipped us off: Hefferveisen.

Our notion that the WSU students rely on their ales for more than refreshment was reinforced when we learned that WSU flat out refused a dry football policy in 1993.

Many students insisted that if the proposal had been approved, WSU would have had to send its first all-foreign-exchange-student football team to the Apple Cup.

After long study, our team found that one reason for the sheer power of the WSU Cougars stood out among all others: boredom.

That should be no surprise in a town whose only major social clubs include Moose Lodge No. 943 and some club called “Toastmasters.”

Pullman’s only major contribution to science is the addition of pizza delivery service to the Internet.

Any field work for classes usually occurs in the wheat field and the study abroad program means you get a job with the traveling tractor-pull show.

Frankly, there’s so little to do in Pullman that a football player can either practice with his teammates or he can gnaw off his own leg in an attempt at stimulation.

That’s tough to beat.

Nonetheless, we Huskies have worked up an awfully tough team ourselves this year. And even though the bill passed that no longer could dawgs be used to hunt cougars, we at UW feel safe to say the Cougars have about as much chance of winning the Apple Cup this year as they have of graduating in four years.

ILLUSTRATION: Photo