Maybe Your Mother Was Right After All

I’m confused. When I was a girl of the ‘50s, my momma told me to play hard to get. So I did. She said it made boys crazy if they thought girls didn’t like them. She practically guaranteed a flock of adolescent Romeos would soon be pounding down the front door. Momma was wrong; it never happened.

Inevitably, things changed. Women were encouraged to remember their equality and to get out there and pursue somebody. Liberated ladies asked men on dates, sent them flowers, paid for candlelight dinners and on occasion, proposed marriage. Somehow, I never got the hang of that either.

Now a book titled “The Rules” comes along insisting that Momma was right. If co-authors Fein and Schneider (both married ladies) have their way, marriage-minded females will alter course and tack back into an era of girdles, giggles and Sandra Dee. Understandably, men are having a hard time keeping up. Not only are women no longer calling them, they’re not even returning their calls. Women, it seems, have become mysteriously “busy.” They no longer respond to a casual flirt’s “Give me a ring and we’ll do lunch.”

Rule 20 in this handy little “how to” handbook suggests women be “honest” but “mysterious.” My spin on that is that it’s okay to respond to a phone call with, “It’s good to hear from you,” as long as I keep one eye on my watch and exactly 10 minutes into the conversation mention something about being busy with a screenplay and Tom Cruise all in the same cryptic breath.

Of course, the secret of success in this type of deception is careful pre-planning, so I’ve worked up a list of possible rascal responses based on past experience.

Caller No. 1: ‘Lizbeth! Long time, no see.

Translation: Elizabeth! Haven’t been around in a while but now I’ve run out of girls my daughter’s age to date.

My response: Hello! Glad to hear from you … who’s this?

Upshot: He wants me to cook dinner for him on Saturday night. I suggest he get a date for the prom.

Caller No. 2: Hel-loo, sweetheart. Miss me?

Translation: He’s been double-dating with Caller No. 1.

My response: Have you been away?

Upshot: Could I take care of Puff (his parakeet) for a week while he’s skiing in Colorado? I suggest he fit the bird with popsicle sticks and take it with him.

Caller No. 3: Boy, have I missed you. It’s been a tough year. My mother died, you know.

Translation: It’s been a slow week and I can’t stand being alone on Saturday night. Won’t you feel sorry for me?

My response: Sure, come on over. I’ll build a fire and we’ll talk … just like we did the last time your mother died.

Upshot: He remembers he has an appointment with the foot doctor. Probably to get the left one out of his mouth.

Mysterious women have been casting their spells over hapless males since time immemorial. Even Odysseus, Homer’s fearless warrior, was 10 years late getting home from the war because he kept running into vamps like the Sirens and Circe, the Enchantress.

So maybe the writers of “The Rules” have got a point and just maybe Momma was right after all. Perhaps it’s time for women to act like The Shadow and cloud men’s minds into believing they’re unattainable.

Problem is, what if they go for it?

xxxx