Stop Raking, Technology Has Rescued Us
You know how to get rid of leaves don’t you? Well, to paraphrase Lauren Bacall, “Just pucker up and blow.”
As the most beautiful season of the year rolls in, with its golden leaves and its aromas of wood smoke, pumpkins and cider, I have only one observation to make: Is the leaf blower the dumbest implement ever invented or what?
I’ve ranted about this before, but it’s time for a refresher rant.
The only thing a leaf blower actually does - and I hate to break the news - is blow leaves around. What good is that? Maybe if they made a leaf blower that actually picked up the leaves, drove them to the landfill and dumped them, that would be worth something.
But no. A leaf blower’s main purpose is merely to blow leaves in a random fashion until they land on your neighbor’s lawn. Fortunately, all of my neighbors are too nice to do this, but I have heard stories. Oh, have I ever heard stories.
Like the one about the guy who took his leaf blower and proceeded to tidy up the front yard. All of those leaves and pine needles and gum wrappers ended up on the neighbor’s side of the property line. So the neighbor did the obvious thing. She raked them back over on to the guy’s yard, and she said, “Excuse me, I believe you left these on my yard by mistake.”
With this small and admirable act of resistance, our anonymous heroine struck a blow for all of us fighting the Battle of the Blower.
The leaf blower principle is rarely used in other applications, for good reason: “Try the new Kenmore Trash Blower! Pull the E-Z start handle and direct the nozzle at your trash pile. All of your disposal worries will BLOW AWAY!”
Black Rock, Nevada (AP) - The Department of Energy announced today that it will dispose of low-level nuclear waste by blowing it into Utah.
New York (AP) - Officials here solved the ongoing medical waste disposal problem by sailing the garbage barge SS Hepatitis directly into the eye of Hurricane Bertha.
“The barge has been swept clean,” said an elated spokesman.
Oh, I know, I’m exaggerating this whole leaf-blower thing. Most people use them properly and thoughtfully, blowing the leaves into piles on their own yards where they pick them up and dispose of them appropriately.
Exactly. So why not just buy a rake? A rake doesn’t make a roar like a Harley, and it doesn’t use any energy except the kind in your arms and shoulders.
Listen, I’m no Mr. America. I’ve got the upper body strength of Don Knotts. But even I can move leaves from one point to another with a rake. The rake has been cleverly designed, through centuries of innovation, so that all you have to do is place the rake over the leaves and pull. The leaves move with it! It’s a technological miracle!
These are dead, papery wisps of material we’re talking about here. We are not raking cinder blocks. This isn’t the Ironman Triathlon of Raking. Raking has never caused me to cramp up, or go into oxygen debt, or lose control of my bodily functions (except that time I accidentally raked up a snake). Using a power implement to move leaves is approximately like renting a crane to move a pile of feathers. It’s overkill.
OK, I admit that maybe my arguments are just a little overwrought, or should I say overblown. But you haven’t been sitting calmly trying to work while some guy is trying to blow three stray leaves off a downtown sidewalk. At first, I thought I was hearing a generator, or a compressor, or maybe the entire Northwest chapter of the Hells Angels.
But no, it was a leaf blower, although one with a Pratt & Whitney jet engine on it. I’m sure the guy spent more energy pulling the start cord than he would have spent sweeping up these three measly leaves with a broom. But he (or more likely his boss) had decided that this was a job for a leaf blower.
So now the leaves are safely off the sidewalk, and back in the middle of the street where they belong. Another labor-saving device, improving all of our lives.
, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review