Take Action To Break From Cycle Of Abuse
Dear Jennifer: A lady was murdered yesterday by her ex-boyfriend …; she had asked a judge for a restraining order and he refused.
Why make it hard to get a restraining order? It probably wouldn’t have done any good, anyway.
Several years ago I was stalked and harassed by my ex-boyfriend. I was afraid, but I turned everything on in myself, which is what girls with low self-esteem learn to do.
Whose fault is it when a 6-year-old boy can be charged with sexual harassment, yet judges don’t issue restraining orders? Our society is insane.
Yours truly, Gloria
Dear Gloria: I’ll write next week’s column about our inability to make common-sense judgements to maintain civility in our schools. This week, I’ll talk about the woman who was murdered.
The innocent “harassment” by the little boy is either nothing - or it is the first step in believing you can do physical things to people even though they don’t want you to.
Many of my friends have faced physical violence from friends, spouses, or as children growing up. Some died as a result of their harassments. Children must depend on the awareness and kindness of relatives, neighbors, teachers, doctors or whomever may notice their plight. But as teenagers and adults, we can refuse to be victims.
Sit down with your children now and tell them they should never be alone with, nor form a friendship with, someone who uses physical force on them in any way. Repeat it like a mantra, “if he hurts you, it is intentional and it will happen again.”
Remind them if they stay with an abuser they are humiliating themselves and putting themselves in danger. Repeat to them again and again, “There is no love in giving or taking abuse.”
Children must be told that our culture pretends you can love someone and hit them, but it is not true.
If your child is the victim of a bully, talk to the school, the superintendent, the parents, the child involved - and if you receive no resolution, talk to a lawyer. If your son or daughter reports being hit by a boyfriend or girlfriend, talk to the abuser and talk to their parents.
If your child is a bully or an abuser, enroll him or her into counseling because some day they will turn on you. Do not take punching, pushing, slapping or insulting as normal behavior or simply “love spats.”
If, as you read this, you are being hurt or are in fear of being hurt, call the Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 562-6025, and read Ginny NiCarthy’s book, “Getting Free.” If you have fled but are tempted to return to your abuser, read NiCarthy’s second book, “The Ones Who Got Away.”
If you feel you are in immediate danger and do not want to go to a shelter, then pack up and leave town. Whatever the risks of a new place, they are not as great as staying where you are. Whatever you do with your own life, don’t raise another generation of children who believe that it is OK to hit and be hit.
There seems to be an increase in personal violence these days, and I have thought about why we seem helpless to stop it.
My answers are:
We still don’t believe it is wrong, we still think it is normal to punch out those you love.
We still don’t believe women when they say their lives are in danger, we think they are hysterical.
Too many victims have no money and no place to go.
Too many relatives, ministers and counselors tell victims to try to make it work.
Too many victims believe the apologies, think it’s love, or lose belief in their own value.
There is a power shift between men and women, and parents and children that is threatening many people’s core beliefs.
The power shift I refer to is that men are no longer the unquestioned authorities in government, business, religion or home. They are no longer the definers or what is right and wrong, or who is in control. That is the real “gender gap.” Good men welcome this growing equality. Bullies do not because they accurately perceive an extraordinary loss of power and they are very angry.
The power shift between parents and children is that children are not your property to do with as you please; they are citizens who deserve protection.
You can see the anger these power shifts generate in the faces of a few leaders of the religious right as they pontificate about God, family and government. They are offering themselves as the translators of God’s word and the traditional standards for family behavior. Even the Promise Keepers, a group which I think does good work, believe that men have been chosen by God to control the family.
The breaking of this belief in the ultimate superiority and power of certain men will come at the expense of many men and women. The murdered woman was just one more victim in a long process of equating respect with dominance instead of gentleness.
Jennifer
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review