Tell This Person You Have Had It

Dear Ann Landers: I have a neighbor, who, for the last two years, has fallen into the habit of borrowing groceries and household items from me. She has asked for everything from a cup of flour, sugar or rice to a lemon, a couple of eggs and a few scoops of washing detergent.

I wouldn’t mind helping her out in a last-minute, middle-of-cooking crisis, but this woman does not believe in keeping alternative foods for dinner in the house and it is obvious that she doesn’t think washing clothes can wait another day. Incidentally, I have never once borrowed anything from her.

I’ll admit that I have lied a few times and told her I was out of certain items, hoping she would take the hint and stop asking, but that ploy was unsuccessful. Meanwhile, I am fed up serving as her local one-stop supermarket. She never once has offered to pay me for the borrowed items, nor has she ever replaced anything I’ve given her.

I would like to remain friends, since she is otherwise a nice person, but I don’t know how to handle this situation anymore, and it’s getting to me. Can you help? - Bummed Out in Iowa

Dear Bummed: Try honesty. It works. Tell your neighbor you are tired of her borrowing - that you shop according to your family’s needs and she should learn to do the same. If your refusal to keep her in supplies ends the friendship, it wasn’t very solid to begin with.

Dear Ann Landers: My sister and I are both in our 50s and have recently reconciled after some years of strained relations. We are having a great time for the most part, but I have a question about something that I find extremely upsetting. My sister insists that I’m wrong about this and has agreed to let you decide.

I do not own a car, nor do I drive. My sister has a car, however, and drives me everywhere. She recently requested gas money from me, which I found offensive. I am generous to her in other ways, including paying for parking, restaurant meals occasionally, spontaneous gifts, etc.

Ann, I think it is downright tacky to ask a relative to pay for gas. It seems that she is penalizing me for not driving, and I resent it. We have discussed this, but nothing has been resolved. She no longer asks for gas money, and I continue to treat her to dinner now and then.

What do you think about a person who would charge her sister to ride in her car? - Steamed in Seattle

Dear Steamed: Your letter brought to mind the two men seated on opposite sides of the table. One said, “The number I see is clearly a 6.” The other said, “You’re mistaken. It’s a 9.”

From where you sit, it appears that your sister is tacky because she has asked you for gas money since you are a frequent passenger. Your rationale is “She was going anyway.” Your sister, nevertheless, views you as a freeloader - getting transportation for nothing.

I suggest that you continue to ride with her, but please make it a point to treat her to dinner more often and surprise her by offering to fill up the tank on occasion.

xxxx