Loud And Clear Patience, Undivided Attention And Simple, Precise Requests Help Keep Children Tuned-In

Second of two parts

With a few minor changes in the way you give directions to your children, you can prevent communication problems as well as create an atmosphere that encourages cooperation. Last week we looked at what not to do. Here are some attention-getting strategies that will help you get your message through to your kids.

Lay the right groundwork. The time to work on better communication with your child isn’t when you’re already knee-deep in conflict over something he’s forgotten to do, but during the calm moments of the day, says Susan K. Golant, co-author of “Getting Through to Your Kids” (Lowell House). “Show your child you’re curious about what’s going on with him, so he feels comfortable discussing any problems that may be making him less attentive than usual. You might want to set aside time each day to talk.”

What if your child is too young for such discussions? “Play activities are a good way to elicit a preschooler’s feelings,” adds Golant. “If your 4-year-old is being balky, you could use dolls or puppets to act out the situation. She’ll probably laugh when she sees the ‘child’ puppet dawdling instead of getting dressed or eating dinner. Then you can ask her why the puppet is doing that. Also try giving her the ‘Mommy’ puppet, so you can see how she perceives your behavior toward her. You may get some unexpected insights into how you interact with each other.”

Define your expectations. A key step to having your child hear you is to decide exactly what you’d like him to do, emphasizes Windell. “Many parents fail to tell their kids what they expect of them - but get angry anyway when their child doesn’t do a particular task,” he says. “Mom or Dad comes home from work, sees their kid has left dirty dishes and food out in the kitchen, then greets him with an outburst, such as ‘What’s wrong with you? Can’t you even clean up your own mess?’ Since the child was never given clear instructions to do this, he’ll get angry about this unjust attack, and that leads to an unpleasant confrontation.”

Try saying “After your snack, I want you to put your dishes in the dishwasher and the food back in the fridge.”

Get her undivided attention. Before telling your child about an important rule or expectation, eliminate potential distractions. If she’s playing, ask her to put down her toys for a minute, then move them out of her reach. Turn off the TV or radio, and sit down next to her. Make sure she is facing you before you speak - you may need to gently turn her shoulders toward you or touch her cheek to get her total attention. Next, look her right in the eyes, and use her name: “Sally, I need you to ask me before you go out into the yard.”

Let your child help make some of the rules. Everyone, kids and adults, wants to have a say in things that concern them. To help your child feel that he’s not always being bossed around, request feedback from him if possible as you make a new rule or give him instructions to do something. For example, a 10-year-old might be told, “I notice that there are candy wrappers on your floor. What do you think would be a good rule to help you remember to throw them away in the future?” Giving a child a say gives him an impetus to follow the rule or direction - and he’s less likely to claim you’re unfair.

Give choices - not commands. Whenever possible, let your kids decide how or when to follow your directions. With a 5-year-old, you might say, “You need to put away your crayons. Do you want to do that now or in 15 minutes?”

Be careful, however, not to use words implying that not doing the task is one of the options, notes Windell. “If you say, ‘Would you mind taking the garbage out?’ your youngster probably won’t realize this is meant as a rhetorical question. She’s likely to argue with you, because in her mind, the answer is yes, she would mind taking the garbage out and would rather have somebody else do it. If you want to offer her a choice, make it clear that what she gets to decide is when to do the job, not whether to do it.”

Make instructions easy to understand. Many parents give directions that are too broad and open to misinterpretation. Instead of just telling your 9-year-old to clean out his closet, break the task down into several steps, and stay with him until the job is completed. You might begin by saying, “Put the dirty clothes in the hamper.” Next, tell him, “Put all the toys in this box.” Then say, “Throw those crumpled papers in your wastebasket.”

Ask your child to repeat your request. Getting your youngster to recite rules and instructions out loud can prevent tearful protests later on of “I didn’t know” or “I didn’t understand.” Ask young, easily distracted kids to repeat your directions silently to themselves several times. Offer older kids a written checklist or, better still, have them write down the information themselves.

Create positive and negative consequences. Offering a reward for following your directions, and a penalty for disregarding them, has two important advantages, Windell says. First, you’ll provide motivation for your child to mind you when you tell her that if she finishes her homework by 6, she’ll have time to watch her favorite TV show. Then you’ll reinforce the message by reminding her that if she doesn’t, the TV will stay off all evening. “You’ll also give your kid the freedom to decide how she wants to behave, instead of giving her the feeling she’s being forced to do what you say,” observes Windell.

Acknowledge good behavior. Do you pay more attention to your kids when they shout or ignore you than when they quietly follow directions? “What most parents don’t realize is that even so-called ‘negative’ attention can reinforce disobedience unless you make an effort to balance it by noticing and appreciating your kids when they’re being good,” says Edward Christophersen, Ph.D., professor of pediatrics at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Mo., and author of “Beyond Discipline: Parenting that Lasts a Lifetime” (Westport Publishers). “Give them a brief hug or a kind word anytime you see they’re doing something you approve of. You don’t have to make a big deal of it - a quick pat on the back now and then can do more to get your kids to cooperate than an hour of reprimands.”

MEMO: Reprinted from Working Mother magazine. Distributed by Los Angeles Times Syndicate.