Our Precious Kids Dr. Laura Nathanson Helps Parents Savor The Quirkiness Of Their Kids In Her ‘Portable Pediatrician’s Guide’

Dr. Laura Nathanson loves Kids. Not children, mind you, Kids.

A pediatrician for 20 years, Nathanson makes a sharp distinction between the terms.

“Children are vulnerable,” she says, “but Kids are sturdy. Children ought not to have problems and when they do, it’s dreadful. Kids are supposed to have problems - who doesn’t?”

Whereas the term “Child” is tender and sentimental, she explains, “Kid” has an aura of liveliness and spunk.

As does Nathanson’s new book, “The Portable Pediatrician’s Guide to Kids” (HarperCollins, $20).

This lively parenting guide is as spunky as the Kids she refers to throughout the book with a capital “K” - specifically Kids ages 5 to 12, how to enjoy them and how to understand them.

Evident throughout the pages is Nathanson’s delight in the quirkiness of Kids, helping parents appreciate and savor the showing-off 5, the bossy 7, the giggle-prone 9, even the pubertal 11, who is increasingly living in the Land of the Rolling Eyeballs.

“I wrote this book because the 5- to 12-age range is an under-discussed age in literature,” Nathanson says in a recent phone interview from her home in San Diego, Calif.

“I took a look at the bookstores and found there were plenty of books that focused on the problems of these age groups. Or the parenting advice I found for these ages was all lumped together.”

In contrast, Nathanson’s book is divided into sections highlighting each specific age group. Within every section, she covers the topics of responsibility, discipline, life at home, school, exercise and sports, growth and nutrition, behavioral problems, health and illness.

She shares “Window of Opportunity” moments, developmental turning points in a child’s life, and “What If” situations, those that cover big life problems such as death and divorce.

Nathanson also addresses a variety of specific questions she has heard over the course of two decades in pediatric medicine, such as, “My son wants to be a girl,” “Will she slim down during puberty?” and, “How do I know if he’s ready for first grade?”

Throughout the book, she reassures parents of their important influence during the years of 5 to 12.

“The moments together between parents and Kids are fleeting and the parent can often feel as if they are doing the practical things but not getting much more out of the experience,” Nathanson says. “They enjoy being parents of children under Five, but in the later years, the changes seem to be a mystery and parents lose the sensation of having an impact.

“I wanted to write a book where you point out all the great things Kids are going through and appreciate every step of the way,” she says.

Nathanson does this effectively in her book, escorting parents through the intricate pathways of their Kids’ development, giving a picture of how the changes in their behavior reflect their progress toward emotional, social, intellectual and physical maturity.

Growth of the soul

Five-year-olds want to be good, and 6s want to be right, Nathanson writes in the first section.

“It may not seem like a big difference, but it is,” she says. “What is good is decided by your parents, and 5s worry about what parents think of them.”

Sixes begin to realize that what is right is decided by rules from the outside - rules from parents, teachers, coaches.

“Only as they grow,” she writes, “do Kids begin to see rules as complex, taking into account the situation or the exception. In the world of school, friends and activities, people will treat them well or poorly, depending on their reputation.”

During these years, Nathanson suggests, parents need to catch the teachable moment - the moment in which the lesson is right before the child’s eyes.

“What did I say to make Jenny cry?”

“If I really want Jimmy’s truck, can’t I just take it?”

If parents can instill in 5s and 6s the moral lessons from these dilemmas, Kids will begin to internalize that insight as their own.

Creating a public self

“One of the most important things Sevens and Eights are struggling with is a consciousness of self,” writes Nathanson in the next section.

She explains that for the first time, these Kids discover an inner voice, but they don’t know how to tame it, educate it or shut it up. The inner voice may say, “that’s stupid,” “your hair looks dumb” or, “you sound like a dork.”

“What is at stake here is the creation of a public self,” she says, “a self who can control that inner voice.”

What Kids need from parents at this time is someone who can teach the 7s and 8s confidence to deal with the hesitations and doubts of the inner voice.

At times this means helping Kids sort through complex situations in an effort to make good moral decisions.

“At other times, Kids don’t want instruction or help, they want your comforting presence. A parent who can just be there for the Seven and Nine is fulfilling a major part of the job description.”

Those rolling eyeballs

“Crucial are the Nines, Tens and Elevens for what will happen during adolescence,” Nathanson writes in the third section. “In the land of the rolling eyeballs, children in these years seem to think their parents’ mission in life is to embarrass them.”

During these years, parents can feel extraneous and unwanted, she says, but in actuality this is the very time Kids need parenting the most.

“They need parents who are patient listeners helping Kids to clarify their own ideas, rather than imposing parental judgments on their children.

“If parents can take on this role,” says Nathanson, “they can reasonably look forward to being a moral force in their children’s lives in the teenage years and beyond.”

While Nathanson’s book is packed with information and advice, she doesn’t preach to parents or condescend, but uses humor to communicate, hoping parents come away with a clearer understanding of some fascinating ages during which mom and dad are enormously important.

And, says Nathanson, “I hope parts of it make people chuckle.” After all, sturdy, spunky, lively Kids are also highly entertaining.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 2 Color photos

MEMO: Two sidebars appeared with the story: 1. NATHANSON ON SEX AND INNOCENCE Teaching about sex: “You are always teaching your child about sex by how you touch the child, refer to body parts, and treat your significant other. If you don’t specifically speak about sex, the child gets the attitudes from their peers and the media. Talk about sex a little bit at a time, while driving the car or stirring the soup. The world will not have you wait very long to influence the child.” Protecting a child’s innocence: “Our society hurries Kids into maturity; however, parents can model good behavior in the home to protect a child’s innocence while he or she is young. How parents lead their own lives, what they laugh at on TV or at the movies, what kinds of magazines they look at, as well as sexual references and innuendoes all contribute to the behavioral cues that Kids pick up.”

2. LEARNING AGE Ages 5 and 6 - what they are ready to learn: How to greet an adult, smile, say hello, give a handshake and make eye contact. Manners such as please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me, I’m sorry.

Responsibilities and chores. How to write thank-you notes. How to respond graciously when receiving a gift.

Ages 7 and 8 - age appropriate chores: Make the bed. Set/clear the table. Dry the dishes. Carry out the trash. Dust furniture. Dig weeds and rake leaves. Shovel light snow. Sort and fold laundry. Take care of a pet.

Ages 9, 10 and 11 - what parents can do now that will help later: Talk and listen in the same way you would talk with an adult friend. Watch out for tendencies to tune out, interrupt or jump in with criticism. Let your child know when you think he or she is attractive or funny and show affection with hugs, pats and laughter. Help your youngster find a best friend. Help the child discover and become accomplished at something he or she will be able to pursue through adolescence: an interest, hobby, sport or skill.

Excerpted from “The Portable Pediatrician’s Guide to Kids” by Laura Walther Nathanson