I Was Engulfed With Deep Shame

Yesterday’s column dealt with shoplifters and I promised to tell you about my experience in that area.

I was a senior in high school (Sioux City, Iowa), and our football team was playing the high school in Sioux Falls, S.D. The Sioux City contingent thought it would be fun to have a snake dance before the game. About 150 of us formed a chain, ran through several stores and ended up in the lobby of a major hotel. It was there that I spotted a copper spittoon and decided it would make a nice “souvenir.” I picked up the spittoon, lugged it back to my room and brought it home the following day on the train.

That evening, I proudly showed the souvenir to my parents. The first question was from my father: “How much did you pay for it?” he asked. I replied with a good bit of pumped-up bravado, “I didn’t pay anything for it. It’s a souvenir.” My father responded, “If you didn’t pay for it, you just TOOK it.” I said, “Well … yes, you might say that.”

My father said, “We don’t want any stolen goods in this house so you had better find a box right now because we are going to mail it back to the hotel in Sioux Falls immediately. And,” he added, “you will, of course, write a note of apology and the postage will come out of your allowance.”

I was suddenly engulfed with a deep sense of shame. The spittoon went back to Sioux Falls within the hour and I have never forgotten the lesson I learned when I was 18. If you take something that doesn’t belong to you, it’s stealing. And if you want a souvenir, you buy it.

Dear Ann Landers: You have printed several letters about cheap wedding gifts. Your comment always has been “People should give what they can afford.” You are wrong, Miss Landers. Maybe in different parts of the country that would be acceptable, but here on Long Island, where I live, the price of feeding one guest can range anywhere from $70 to $150.

I married in July 1995 and was astonished at the number of cheap and tacky gifts we received. All of our invited guests showed up, ate, drank and danced for five hours. We had to pay for all of that entertainment. In return, one couple gave us a set of plain glass bowls worth no more than $35. A bridesmaid came with a date and gave us a very ordinary candy dish that cost less than $50. Two big-shot lawyers came (with their wives), and each one handed us an envelope with $50. These people are not hurting for money, Ann. They are known to be wealthy. I have declined invitations to weddings simply because I could not afford a nice gift.

Here is my message to people who are invited to upscale weddings: If you are unable to send a substantial gift, DON’T GO. Weddings are not a free feed. It is the most important day of our lives, and it is an insult to the bride and groom when guests cheap out. We don’t expect to make a profit, but we don’t want to go in the hole, either. - Upset on Long Island

Dear Upset: Now I have heard everything. It never occurred to me that a bride would expect her guests to spend at least as much on a wedding gift as the cost of the meal served. I guess we hicks in Chicago just aren’t up to you Long Island swells.

Too bad you went in the hole due to the chintziness of some of your guests. Maybe you should send a bill to those whose gifts didn’t meet your expectations and have their names stricken from the Social Register - if such a thing exists anymore.