In Search Of True Happiness Often, We Look Too Hard Instead Of Enjoying Life

Happiness - like love - is impossible to define, for it means different things to different people. It’s fleeting, ephemeral, and can’t be found by using any formula. In fact, it’s as elusive as a butterfly; darting here and there, occasionally landing on a flower and just as quickly flying away.

Yet we spend our lives searching for it. We say to ourselves that we would be happy if only our jobs paid more or our children appreciated us or if our spouses were more understanding, more caring, or if our aches and pains went away. We fool ourselves; over and over, we fool ourselves.

For happiness is nebulous; it is not a permanent state or even a semi-permanent state. It comes in the tiniest of increments. We may be truly happy at 9:30 a.m. on Monday but not again until Friday night at 7:45. The hours and days in between we may be unhappy, ill, pressured, bereft or bored. Or, more likely, we may be in a more passive state, neither happy nor unhappy.

Some people think of happiness as a period of excitement. Some think of it as a time of contentment. And some think of it as a time without stress or any kind of illness. Whatever it is, for certain, it is not a time that lasts as long as we might wish it would.

William Bennett said that happiness was like a cat; that if you tried to get it to come, it wouldn’t. But if you ignored it, soon it would amble over to you. This is one of the more practical definitions of happiness. There have been hundreds that were beautiful and profound, yet seldom seem apt. But Edith Wharton’s words about happiness we would do well to remember. She said that if we stopped trying so hard to be happy, we could probably have a pretty good time.

And she was right. It is time wasted to think of happiness as a goal we must try to reach. Best to forget all about it and live the best we can. Do our work well, be kind to others and be a giving person. If we do this, we will likely be surprised to find moments when we are actually completely happy. They may not last long. They may not come as often as we would wish. But, in the meantime, we could be having a lot of pretty good times.

Most of us let unlikely possibilities ruin both memories of happiness and good times. We are in the midst of a pleasant conversation with someone we like a lot, and suddenly we think, what if we left the iron on? What if our son had an accident on a treacherous road? What if the lab report shows a malignancy? What if a check doesn’t reach its destination on time?

Of course, some people are avid “what-iffers” and some people more pragmatic, but we all do it to some degree. One way of thinking of happiness is to think of it as a beautiful balloon. In so doing, we can realize how many times we foolishly and needlessly prick that balloon. We let the air out, and it floats to the ground.

It can be interesting to look back at one’s life and try to remember especially happy moments. It can also be surprising, for usually they’re not moments of glamour or excitement or even celebration. Usually they’re relatively quiet moments. Maybe an afternoon spent with a good friend on a sailboat. Maybe an hour in an outdoors hot tub, the moon bright, the trees dark and sheltering. Maybe a ride, the sun roof open, on a bright summer day. Or espresso with a good friend in an outdoor cafe. Most certainly, some of our happiest moments are during the times we spend with our small children, telling a goodnight story, or simply holding them. Or seeing them through an illness, then experiencing the joy of their recovery.

There are often many times of happiness during a courtship. And it follows there will be some during a marriage. Although they can be overshadowed - even obliterated - by all the times that are unhappy. We tend to forget those happy times when this happens. For this is another thing about happiness. It can’t be saved. Oh, we can remember it, but it is always paler, dimmer, less wonderful.

When we’re young, we think of happiness as a given. We feel it is our due. The older we become, the less we feel this way. We’ve experienced the futility of trying to find it. In a sense, we are content to just have some good times. It’s easier to do this. And less disillusioning.

Still, we can have hours and hours of enjoyment. And, if once in a while, we have the inimitable glow that comes with happiness, we should count our blessings, then go on to simply having as many good times as we can.

MEMO: Jane Lavagetto, 77, is a free-lance writer who lives in Spokane.