Write Letter; Talk To Friend, Therapist
Dear Nancy: In May of 1996, a drunk driver hit my car, killing my 14-year-old daughter Julie, and injuring my son and myself. I was hospitalized for seven weeks. Julie and I had not been getting along that weekend before she died. I continue to have nightmares about the accident. Can you help me with it? - Elana
Julie and I are in the car. We are arguing about rules I have made and how to get along with others. She has the body of a 14-year-old, but when I look at her face, she is a baby. I keep trying to make her understand, but she won’t listen and pulls away from me. I wake up crying and very angry.
Dear Elana: You have been through a terrible tragedy. Losing a child is the most traumatic event that can happen to anyone. It’s not surprising you have nightmares.
Your dream recounts conflict with your daughter and your anguish at not being able to reach an understanding with her. Her baby face shows you feel she was actually younger than she was. Did you feel she was immature and needed protection?
To resolve this nightmare and make the connection you so need in the dream, write Julie a letter. Tell her how much you love and miss her, and include other thoughts, misgivings and concerns you have about your relationship.
Writing the letter may bring you the peace and resolution you need to get beyond the nightmare. Also, talk to a friend, minister or therapist to help you through the grieving process. Be patient and have compassion for yourself, Elana, and know healing will come.
Tips for readers: Do men and women dream differently? Patricia Garfield, author of “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Dreams,” points out several differences noted by dream researchers:
Women tend to remember and describe their dreams in greater detail than men, which may be because women have more rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep which produces dreams. This suggests women may dream more frequently, thus leading to more dream recall. Women also tend to be very descriptive, using more adjectives to describe their dreams.
Women’s dreams tend to occur in familiar settings, often indoors, whereas men often find themselves in unfamiliar settings, usually outdoors. Recent research finds this tendency may change as women’s roles in society changes.
Women dream more of friends, parents, children and mates than do men. Men’s dreams tend to have more male characters, whereas women dream equally of men and women.
Women’s dreams of animals tend to be cats, puppies, rabbits and mice; men are more likely to dream of wilder and larger animals.
Aggression in women’s dreams is most likely verbal, whereas men dream of physical aggression. In general, both men and women have more discord and conflict in their dreams than friendly behavior.
These are general guidelines. Differences, while measurable, are not major. As women’s roles change and culture and society changes with them, I believe there will be even less difference in the dreams of men and women.
This column is intended as entertainment. But psychologists who work with clients’ dreams say that dreams can hold a tremendous amount of significance; a particularly disturbing or repetitive dream may indicate the need to see a therapist.
, DataTimes MEMO: Nancy Huseby Bloom has studied dreams for 16 years. Dreams may be sent to her c/o The Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210-1615, or fax, (509) 459-5098. Please send a short summary of the circumstances in your life and include your name, address and phone number. Nancy conducts dream groups on a regular basis. For information, call 455-3450.