Teach Your Children To Balance The Real And Ideal Worlds

Dear Jennifer, How do I raise a normal teen-age daughter through the mine field that our society sets up for girls? I have read “Reviving Ophelia,” which was good. Just take a look at the magazines that are offered for that age group. They are focused on appearance, dating and sexuality.

The message is that our society only values females for their appearance and sexuality, yet on the other hand women have more opportunity than ever before in the workplace. Human relationships are important too, not just careers.

How does an attractive young girl take herself seriously for other qualities than looks? I think it is very confusing for young women. It is also difficult as a parent to see a daughter trying to deal with all that society seems to expect from girls these days. Do you have any thoughts?

LP

Dear LP, I think the most important thing is to tell our children the truth. I remember talking with my son about the difference between the “ideal” world and the “real” world. The ideal world admires character, intelligence and all the other good qualities that make a person truly valuable. The real world deals in superficial attributes such as appearance, physical domination, put-downs and the currently popular sports or styles.

The best way to survive as your own person is to be aware, but skeptical, of the real world. Adapt to it in whatever ways you can while working to maintain the qualities of the ideal world in which you want to live. It does not matter whether your peers or parents recognize it or not.

Parents are as powerful a force for conformity as peers. They say to very young children, “All the others are wearing this or participating in that. Why do you want to be different?” Then they wonder why their child follows the crowd or feels hurt at rejections. Be careful with your unconscious signals to your daughter.

I would tell a daughter to list the kind of person she wanted to be (honest, generous, thoughtful, competent, smart, attractive, interesting) and what she would have to consistently do to be that person. I would help her in any way I could and conduct a good-humored dialogue about the challenge.

I would then ask her to list what she needed to be to fit into the school groups she cared about (attractive, stylish, graceful, hip). I would ask her why she had chosen that group. I would help her with clothes, hair, poise, humor, anything that would help.

You can joke with her about which part will dominate and when. Remind her that we all accommodate to the expectations of society in many ways. Be at your most serious when you talk about immutable values, things that are never adjusted for acceptance by others (protecting her health and her sense of self from physical, psychological or sexual abuse, drugs, dangerous environments, racist or humiliating behaviors to others). Use the magazines to sort out issues. Help her review the advertising and edit out the worst. She’ll learn a lot.

Tell her your mistakes and regrets to the degree you think appropriate. When she makes a mistake, is frustrated or sad, talk about the difference between that which is real and that which is ideal. Talk about her role now and in the future. She gets to make the choices about who she is and who she respects only if she is aware that every day she is making those choices.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer, I’m intrigued by the questions you ask your readers. I posed your questions about character to a gathering. The standards for character we started with were trustworthiness, integrity, honesty, determination, perseverance and compassion.

As we got into the discussion, people began coming up with more in-depth descriptions:

Steadfastness (you are what you seem to be).

Living by what you believe.

Caring for others.

Getting outside yourself.

Not looking for recognition or credit; your reward is your own satisfaction.

Changing the way people look at the world.

Standing up against the masses for what’s right.

Who qualifies? Eleanor Roosevelt, Adlai Stevenson, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Arthur Ashe, Morris Dees, Joseph Campbell, Barbara Jordan, Bill Moyers, Harry Truman, Jesus, Cardinal Joseph Bernardin, Lech Walesa, Nelson Mandela and many more.

Sincerely, Dana

Dear Dana, Thank you! I hope we can all keep asking this question and rewarding those who meet our standards.

Jennifer

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review