These Camps Appear Only In Your Dreams

Time was, a kid came home from summer camp with an ill-stitched wallet he made in leathercraft and a lingering case of poison oak.

Now, kids come home with a crossover dribble and athlete’s foot.

Kind of makes you pine for the old wallet.

That glop of agate type on page 9 of today’s sports section isn’t a breakdown of everyone who’s homered off Scott Sanders this season, but the Review’s annual catalog of sports camps. It’s our service to you - a gentle reminder that not only will camp tuition for your future Shaqs push you closer to bankruptcy, but that you should be prepared to spend your vacation shuttling the young ‘uns between the soccer complex on the North side and some gym in the Valley.

What a marvelous list it is. On one single page, you’ll find every kind of camp imaginable - soccer, baseball, football, tennis, basketball, track - for boys and girls, Christians and heathens. As Ed McMahon might say, everything - everything! - in the way of sports instruction in our area is at your fingertips.

Wrong, gym-bag breath.

We missed a couple.

For instance, we didn’t include George Karl’s Fantasy Camp - mostly because it’s too, uh, fantastic for words.

So allow us to quote from the fax: “It doesn’t matter if you haven’t played in years … George Karl’s Fantasy Camp is about having fun, making friends and getting a taste of a basketball training camp - NBA style. It’s the ideal vacation for anyone - 25 years of age or older - who has dreamed of playing in the NBA.”

Having fun. This from the coach who, before a Sonics game last week, broke down in tears under gentle questioning about his dysfunctional team.

Making friends. Like Kendall Gill. And Ervin Johnson. And the rest of the Sonics, of whom Karl said earlier this season, “What I hate about my team is …”

The tab for all that fun and friendship? Just $2,995.

Well, at least it’s in Jim McIlvaine’s price range - and surely no one is a better candidate for an NBA fantasy camp than Jimbo.

But that got us to thinking - if there’s a market for a designer camp by George Karl, certainly there’s a market for these:

The Kermit Davis Second-Chance Coaching Camp - Y’all come! Kermit just loves Idaho to death and you will, too.

Learn about commitment, integrity and ethics, Kermit-style. If you’ve ever been fired or put on probation, this is the place to cleanse your resume. Van leaves nightly at midnight for those with cabin fever. Signing bonus for first camper enrolled! (Shh! Don’t tell!) Contact: Kermit Davis, General Delivery, Anytown, USA.

Shawn Kemp’s Rise-and-Shine Basketball Day Camp - Our typical daily schedule:

8 a.m. - Breakfast (for you, maybe; I closed up The Keg last night, baby)

9 a.m. - Morning practice (Go ahead and start without me)

11:30 a.m. - Lunch (Breakfast for me, if I can make it)

1 p.m. - Afternoon practice (I’ll be there as soon as I straighten out some personal problems)

3 p.m. - “Renewal time”

5 p.m. - Happy hour (just kidding, my man, just kidding)

Jim Lambright’s You-Scratch-My-Back-and-I’ll-Stab-Yours Husky Football Camp - Hurt? You’re not hurt. Surgery? Don’t even think about it, mister. You mess with me now and I’ll mess with you later. When you signed that registration form, you sold your soul to Sundodger, son. Transfer to another camp? You quit? You don’t quit! We’re just one snap away from needing you!

Paul Sorensen’s Cougar Color Man’s Camp - Don’t be tricked by those who call radio “theatre of the mind.” There’s absolutely no prerequisite to getting you started on your way to an exciting career as a broadcast booth sidekick. If you have a penchant for ridiculous embellishment, can work in a latte-joke putdown of Husky fans at least once a quarter and scream over the play-by-play at the drop of every untimely penalty flag, you too may have what it takes. So get lost. I don’t need the competition.

The Steve Farrington Tee-Ball Camp - No one can teach you tee-ball hitting techniques the way we can at Washington State. What’s our secret? Live pitching! Watch your offensive production soar to 10, 20, even 30 runs a game. Campers must bring their own ethyl chloride (those hit-by-pitches sting a little) and calculators (to recompute batting averages on the way to first base).

Paul Allen’s Owners Camp - Warning: deadline for registration is approaching.

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Blanchette The Spokesman-Review