Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

He didn’t want to be the first Kennedy loser

Rep. Joseph P. (Jo-Jo) Kennedy II has withdrawn from the Massachusetts governor’s race for the usual political reasons: discouraging poll numbers, poor performance in touch football games, his relatives’ lack of pants.

Michael can’t find any good help

By the way, his brother, Michael Kennedy, has had to cut way back on his professional and personal schedule for a reason all parents can identify with: difficulty finding a baby-sitter.

The Kennewick man has become a popular sacred rite theme park

A self-proclaimed Viking priest performed a religious ceremony last week over the bones of the prehistoric Kennewick Man. Standing impatiently behind him in line were the Dalai Lama, Shirley MacLaine, Father Flanagan and Richard Gere.

Actually, this is something that happens most Saturday mornings

Grass-roots activists are trying to organize a Million Woman March in Philadelphia. Inspired by this, a local group is trying to organize a Million Dog Walk on High Drive.

Crazy Vlad tries to get back in the news again

Vladimir Zhirinovsky protested American cultural imperialism by going to a McDonald’s in Moscow, where he screamed, ranted and tore a hamburger into shreds. Unfortunately, nobody paid any attention because every 3-year-old in the place was doing exactly the same thing.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.