The Slice The Santa Papers: His Secret Criteria

Don’t ask how we obtained it, because we are not at liberty to reveal our source.

But an important secret list has come into our possession. It shows exactly what behaviors Santa looked at in determining who would get what Christmas gifts this year.

You might want to check it out. It could explain the quality of your ‘97 haul.

Here are the things that helped you score points with Santa.

1. Volunteering.

2. Smiling at strangers every now and then.

3. Adopting a pet from the pound.

4. Occasionally entertaining the thought that perhaps you don’t know everything.

5. Any act, large or small, that made life safer and more secure for a child.

6. Offering a sincere apology after hurting someone’s feelings.

7. Listening.

8. True modesty.

9. Remembering to say “Thank you.”

10. Refusing to define the elderly soley in terms of their infirmities.

11. Insisting that your business respect its customers.

12. Coming to the rescue of a shy person at a party.

13. At least making the attempt to turn off someone’s car lights.

14. Knowing when to mind your own business.

15. Praising a kid who doesn’t hear much praise.

Now here are the behaviors that cost you when Santa was making up his list:

1. Any kind of cruelty.

2. Loud talking in movie theaters.

3. Driving angry.

4. Using language that lessens others’ opinion of you.

5. Smugness.

6. Demonstrating an utter inability to recognize when co-workers don’t have time to listen to your lengthy assessment of what you watched on TV last night.

7. Deciding that your act will be to disdain everything and everybody.

8. Taking comfort in your own ignorance.

9. Trying to bully someone in a service job for no good reason.

10. Having low expectations of your children.

11. Spreading malicious rumors.

12. Being impressed by shallowness.

13. Never shutting up.

14. Believing that “Constant anger is the best revenge.”

15. Excluding perfectly nice people from your stupid little clique just for the fun of it.

Today’s Slice question: If you had unlimited powers and could give the Inland Northwest any gift you might imagine, what would you choose?

, DataTimes MEMO: The Slice appears Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098. You know you left Santa the wrong kind of snack if you found him passed out in the living room this morning.